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 Our Take: Your relationship style determines how you feel toward God
By Tim Clinton and Joshua Straub, Special to CNN A few weeks ago, Christopher Hitchens was interviewed on CNN. A renowned atheist who has recently been diagnosed with cancer, Hitchens told Anderson Cooper, “If you hear that I came to God on my death bed, don’t believe it.” We were stunned. Why? Because a growing body of research shows that from an early age we are hardwired for a relationship with a "Transcendent One." For Hitchens to willfully decide that he will fight off or deny any future existential longing he may develop for God - or shut out any evidence he comes across in favor of God - is grievous. Though it seems that America is tired of religion, we’re finding quite the opposite about a relationship with God. A recent Newsweek poll found that 91 percent of American adults claim a belief in “God”, while Time magazine reported that 85 percent identify themselves as Christian. Gallup reports that 73 percent of Americans “are convinced that God exists.” People want more of God, not less. Yet in their spiritual thirst, many people hit a wall when faced with a crisis in life: a cancer diagnosis, a divorce, a car accident, a natural disaster or a job loss. Too often, they feel distant from God and have a hard time believing he will be there for them when they need him most. Either that or they turn to God in prayer more than ever before, but end up disillusioned when he doesn’t come through in the ways they had hoped. An exciting new body of research on attachment is adding to our understanding of why we feel "close to" or "distant from" God. This theory of relationship understanding and emotion goes beyond a legalistic religious obligation to maintain good standing with God. It’s becoming a powerful way of comprehending how we can better relate to God and experience his grace on a daily basis. For many who claim to be Christian, much of modern-day thinking about how to connect with God has been reduced to a theory of sin management - that what we do or don’t do in our daily lives is the gauge by which we measure why we are, or are not, close with him. The truth is that many who leave the faith or turn away from God do so because they have come to realize that this mindset led to nothing more than a shallow or empty relationship with God. Attachment theory helps us understand our misconceptions about who God is and how we approach a relationship with him. The problem isn’t God; it is the way we view him and act toward him. Our spiritual journeys are linked to core relational beliefs established early in life based on how we've learned to perceive ourselves and others in our closest relationships. In fact, we believe everyone reading this blog has a relationship style that affects their relationship with God and significant others. We are not trying to establish religious beliefs. We're also not saying that sin doesn't create distance with God. What we’re trying to do is to help people understand more fully the nature of how their relationship style infects or affects how they relate to God. There are four kinds of attachment or relationship styles developed from our core relational beliefs, which are or aren't formed within the context of safe, close, affectionate and secure bonds. These styles reveal whether we believe we’re capable of getting the love and comfort we desire and how much we trust others to be accessible and available in moments of need. They also shape our expectations about how God will relate to us, especially during times of need. We break down the styles in our book God Attachment: Secure: a positive view of self/a positive view of others Avoidant: an overly inflated view of self/a negative view of others Anxious: a negative view of self/an over inflated view of others Fearful: a negative view of self/a negative view of others When we’re faced with stress, we seek closeness to those we feel safe with. Each one of us exerts specific behaviors to help us get closer to those we’re attached to in times of need. If we don't feel safe; if we are confused in our core beliefs about whether we’re worthy of love or whether others are capable of loving us or accessible when we need them, then we'll transfer those beliefs onto God and struggle to believe he could really be there for us. But if God serves the functions of an attachment relationship in our individual lives, it can be the difference between cognitively believing in God, as most do, and emotionally connecting, trusting, and walking with him every day, which is much less common. If you came from a dysfunctional family and stopped reading now, you might be tempted to believe that it is impossible to have a genuine relationship with or healthy view of God. But the good news is that research supports the notion that those with insecure relationship styles can and do find a close, secure relationship with God as they turn to him and discover he is not like other attachment figures who have hurt them in life. Perhaps it’s time to challenge our beliefs about God (if we’ve seen him as disinterested or unavailable) and re-evaluate our own identity (if we tend to see ourselves as hopeless or unlovable). Finding hope and meaning doesn’t happen overnight. There’s no magic prayer or verse that will heal the wounds we’ve experienced. We need to be honest with ourselves, grieve our losses, repent of our own wrongdoings, forgive those who have hurt us, and learn new relational skills. Just like any other relationship, building intimacy with God requires vulnerability. Honesty. Time. Prayer. Focus. Listening. Journaling. Reading the Bible. Meditating. Remember, the goal is to connect with God, and get to know him for who he really is. This often requires peeling off layers of false core relational beliefs. When we understand our relationship with God in light of attachment research, we begin to realize how our unhealthy preoccupation with anxiety, fear, guilt, or self-punishment may actually be shutting out the love and healing we truly long for. God is not like your mother, your father, your spouse, your ex, or any other human that failed, abused, or abandoned you. If you’re from a secure background, God also cannot be the God of your father or mother. Your relationship with him must become personal. When you connect with God, and begin to grasp who he really is, you begin to build the most vital relationship in your life. He becomes your source of truth, love, forgiveness, joy, and security. It’s a choice you make. So if you’re one of the 97 percent of people who do believe in God, who is he to you? Are you close to him? If not, your relationship style is likely the reason. The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Tim Clinton and Joshua Straub. soundoff (1,423 Responses)« Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Next »Post a comment
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The CNN Belief Blog covers the faith angles of the day's biggest stories, from breaking news to politics to entertainment, fostering a global conversation about the role of religion and belief in readers' lives. It's edited by CNN's Dan Gilgoff and Eric Marrapodi, with daily contributions from CNN's worldwide newsgathering team and frequent posts from religion scholar and author Stephen Prothero.  |
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Editor's Note: Tim Clinton, President of American Association of Christian Counselors, and Joshua Straub, an adjunct professor at Liberty University, are the authors of 
God can go to hell for all I care.
After 30 years of self-abuse, depression and loneliness, and seeing the evil in the world, you would think I would have given up on God. The opposite is true. I guess I've fallen under the "fearful" relationship style. I'm tired of feeling sad and lonely all the time and I don't know how to fix myself. All the therapists and medication is not helping. I wish I could "find God", or at the very least, I wish he would find me. Then I wouldn't feel so alone.
Again.. "Ye shall seek me and find me when ye shall search for me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:13) You won't find God and He won't find you unless you aren't tuned into the signal, the calling, your spirit, your heart is your only 'antenna' to get tuned with God, the only way. Don't let your mind get in the way of your heart.
I smell troll.
97% of people are afraid of dying.
.
. God is Real ... the definition and use of the word "God" is not is not even close to reality.
.
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
One of my favorite verses!!!!
"The beginning of wisdom is found in doubting; by doubting we come to the question, and by seeking we may come upon the truth." Pierre Abelard
@NL By "seeking we may come upon the truth" you mean ALL truths?? I don't think so, if that were then we would already be omniscient like God..
Proverbs 18:15: The mind of the intelligent gains knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.
Proverbs 14:33: In the heart of the intelligent wisdom abides, but in the bosom of fools it is unknown.
Deuteronomy 1:13: Choose wise, intelligent and experienced men from each of your tribes, that I may appoint them as your leaders.
Proverbs 10:13 Wisdom is found on the lips of a person who has understanding, but a rod is for the back of one without sense.
These are just a few. The Bible, to it's credit, really does value human intelligence and learning. People who claim to read the Bible literally, however ... Oh, the irony!
@NL None of the above verses mentioned you should ONLY use your mind or put your mind
@NL None of the above verses mentioned you should ONLY use your mind or put your mind OVER your heart, the heart comes first at all times. The heart and the mind were meant to coexist on Earth.
I love the sound of human integrity – the kind of integrity that leads someone to actually obtain knowledge of that which he wants to argue against. Knowing the bible does not mean you believe any or all of it. It means you understand what and why you don't believe.
CLINTON-
"the heart comes first at all times."
Which is why we have so many 'crimes of passion' and prisons filled with mostly Christians in this country.
"The heart and the mind were meant to coexist on Earth."
And it saddens me to see how much harm is done in the name of God.
It is possible to be a master in false philosophy, easier, in fact, than to be a master in the truth, because a false philosophy can be made as simple and consistent as one pleases.
George Santayana
... Everyone makes their own choices. He who endures to the end, shall have Salvation.
As I thought, nothing. Christianity is all about words and no substance. Probably the same for Judaism and Islam. What substance they do find is imagined. Sad that mankind is still so delusional after all that we've learn t.
Good point ... few sources other than the Bible have truly addressed the problem of evil.
@cbbm Good is love/positive/constructive. Evil is hate/negative/autodestructive. Want more 'substance' to solve the 'problem' of evil or can't it be understood just by common sense?
Most evil can be directly attributed to the religions that came out of the Middle East. At least 97% of it.
Some truth in what you claim about religions (specially about the Roman Catholic Church). That religion seems to not base God with true faith and has become an idolatric belief. Either way, that doesn't mean there isn't any catholic out there who doesn't apply true faith to believe in God, same with every religion, if God is an infinite being that shouldn't be put into idols and images then that religion is not represented by God, the only God, creator of all that is.
Clinton, wow you have it all figured out – the evil thing.
Try now not to partake in it.
@cbbm How would love would 'partake' in evil? that's just irrational.
Clinton – now you're kind of creeping me out. . .calling yourself 'Love' and claiming you can do no 'evil'. Sounds like a cult leader to me. But then, religions are cults, even if they are thousands of years old.
NSN1946
"Most evil can be directly attributed to the religions that came out of the Middle East. At least 97% of it."
Yes, Christians are so susp.icious of Arabs and Jews, yet they totally repress the fact that their religion was dreamed up by these people. Of course, a liberal dose of anglification has been added over the years, but the fact remains - it is a Middle Eastern desert god that they worship.
"For Hitchens to willfully decide that he will fight off or deny any future existential longing he may develop for God – or shut out any evidence he comes across in favor of God – is grievous." This has got to be one of the dumbest things ever written about Christopher Hitchens. Here's a newsflash for the Tim Clinton and Joshua Straub: THERE IS NO EVIDENCE FOR THE EXISTENCE OF A DEITY. "Existential longing" doesn't count as evidence. Feelings don't count as evidence. Clinton and Straub are purveyors of mumbo jumbo and no doubt use their "christian therapists" shingle to their own lucrative advantage. The faster the world secularizes the better off we will all be.
If nothing can be evidence for you, then live your life doing only what your brain dictates. I will live my life into what my heart dictates only, same will do all of God's people, my mind won't ever get in the way of my heart, I'm with love all the way forever.
Clinton – Your heart is an organ that pumps blood to circulate it through your body. The brain is where all thought and emotional feelings originate. This is an example where more education would help. If you have a heart transplant, you are still yourself. But if you had a brain tranplant, you'd be that other person in a different body.
@Cherry With the word 'heart' I mean spirit, our link to God and love, same with what says in the Bible. Quit your arrogant sarcasm please.
Not sarcasm – information. You speak of the 'heart' as if it were a counter weight to the 'mind'. Your spiritualness, in fact, comes from your brain, from whatever your genetic and experiential history is. It's a function of the way your brain is put together, the way you were raised and your experiences. Why some people are more inclined to be obsessive about fantasies has to do with those things. I would venture to say that extremely religious people have a form of OCD.
@Clinton look into the pineal gland in the center of your brain. It is your "minds eye" where you see dreams, visions, internal imagery. All the relgions of the world have/had symbolism pointing to this gland. It can be effected by meditation, drugs, chemical (especially metalic) imbalances, physical and or electrical stimulation, injury, and psychological trauma, as can other areas of your brain.
Through these means all the classical subjective experiences of "a presence" , mystical events, visions, out of body and near death experiences, demon posession, sudden and certain conversion, etc can be replicated.
Best explanation I've heard for why people invent Gods.
This should scare anyone away from Christian counselors.
When I was a child, I believed in the tooth f airy, santa claus and god.
As a youngster I realised that santa claus had the same handwriting as my mum, and the tooth f airy didn't show up when my mother wasn't informed of a missing tooth.
I also pondered where god came from. If he created everything, who created him?
Why was god ok with killing children in the flood in Noah's time? Why would he kill Job's wife and children just to win a bet with the devil?
As I grew older, god went the way of the tooth fairy and santa claus.
I always wondered what the big deal was about sites like this. After reading through a number of posts I still don't get it. What I have seen are a lot of close-minded people making very uninformed statements – on both sides! I think everyone needs to take some courses on logic, basic philosphy, science, etc.
I did not make a statement! I asked if there was any evidence, any at all concerning Jesus' existence. So far none!
There is a big problem with these guys: They believe that atheist like me are flawed and they go about professing that. This serves to perpetuate the discrimination against non-believers. These guys know nothing about psychology – I don't care what their credentials are. The styles they cite are bogus, made up from some mythical theory. I'm with Bill Maher – for mankind to survive religion must die. All of them. Religion is not necessary for someone to be kind and caring. In fact, I see a lot of very religious people that are very vindictive. Yes, for mankind to survive, religion must die.
Americans want to hold on to God? Really? Because as I remember, 96% of Americans believed in a higher being 10 years ago. Seems the opposite to me.
I am amazed at the amount of responses on here mostly by people who claim not to believe in any God. Very interesting!
Yet, we're only 3% of the population! Go figure.
Silly me, I thought this was a Psychology article, not a pop-christian opinion piece!
"Is god willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him god?" – Epicurus, 341-270 BCE
In the wise words of your Mother, "You won't know if you like it, unless you try it." I once doubted, then I have tried Jesus and his promises work. That's all the proof I need. Please don't call someone else ignorant when you seem to sum up all the teachings of the Bible from across the room, never really whole heartedly trying Him for yourself.
Plenty of us, probably most, have tried it and were once believers. We know where you're coming from, but do you know where we're coming from?
This article's argument is very poor. It reduces God to the same form as a child's imaginary friend. Then again, it's very hard to argue logically about God.
Anything? Really anything, as long as it's not biblical.
I think you are simply looking to irrationally argue a position, not discuss the issue in a civil manner in pursuit of understanding. If by chance you do want to learn/understand, there are numerous volumes, not mere single "facts", verifying the life of Jesus. Most serious scholars do not debate that issue any longer. The debate is who was he, not was he. I think a major problem here for you is you're looking for "proof" or evidence from a modern positivist perspective, yet many of the things you "believe in" would not hold to that level of scrutiny either. Of course I am just guessing on your stances on epistemology, metaphysics, teleology, etc., but it sounds that way from your comments.