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 Our Take: Your relationship style determines how you feel toward God
By Tim Clinton and Joshua Straub, Special to CNN A few weeks ago, Christopher Hitchens was interviewed on CNN. A renowned atheist who has recently been diagnosed with cancer, Hitchens told Anderson Cooper, “If you hear that I came to God on my death bed, don’t believe it.” We were stunned. Why? Because a growing body of research shows that from an early age we are hardwired for a relationship with a "Transcendent One." For Hitchens to willfully decide that he will fight off or deny any future existential longing he may develop for God - or shut out any evidence he comes across in favor of God - is grievous. Though it seems that America is tired of religion, we’re finding quite the opposite about a relationship with God. A recent Newsweek poll found that 91 percent of American adults claim a belief in “God”, while Time magazine reported that 85 percent identify themselves as Christian. Gallup reports that 73 percent of Americans “are convinced that God exists.” People want more of God, not less. Yet in their spiritual thirst, many people hit a wall when faced with a crisis in life: a cancer diagnosis, a divorce, a car accident, a natural disaster or a job loss. Too often, they feel distant from God and have a hard time believing he will be there for them when they need him most. Either that or they turn to God in prayer more than ever before, but end up disillusioned when he doesn’t come through in the ways they had hoped. An exciting new body of research on attachment is adding to our understanding of why we feel "close to" or "distant from" God. This theory of relationship understanding and emotion goes beyond a legalistic religious obligation to maintain good standing with God. It’s becoming a powerful way of comprehending how we can better relate to God and experience his grace on a daily basis. For many who claim to be Christian, much of modern-day thinking about how to connect with God has been reduced to a theory of sin management - that what we do or don’t do in our daily lives is the gauge by which we measure why we are, or are not, close with him. The truth is that many who leave the faith or turn away from God do so because they have come to realize that this mindset led to nothing more than a shallow or empty relationship with God. Attachment theory helps us understand our misconceptions about who God is and how we approach a relationship with him. The problem isn’t God; it is the way we view him and act toward him. Our spiritual journeys are linked to core relational beliefs established early in life based on how we've learned to perceive ourselves and others in our closest relationships. In fact, we believe everyone reading this blog has a relationship style that affects their relationship with God and significant others. We are not trying to establish religious beliefs. We're also not saying that sin doesn't create distance with God. What we’re trying to do is to help people understand more fully the nature of how their relationship style infects or affects how they relate to God. There are four kinds of attachment or relationship styles developed from our core relational beliefs, which are or aren't formed within the context of safe, close, affectionate and secure bonds. These styles reveal whether we believe we’re capable of getting the love and comfort we desire and how much we trust others to be accessible and available in moments of need. They also shape our expectations about how God will relate to us, especially during times of need. We break down the styles in our book God Attachment: Secure: a positive view of self/a positive view of others Avoidant: an overly inflated view of self/a negative view of others Anxious: a negative view of self/an over inflated view of others Fearful: a negative view of self/a negative view of others When we’re faced with stress, we seek closeness to those we feel safe with. Each one of us exerts specific behaviors to help us get closer to those we’re attached to in times of need. If we don't feel safe; if we are confused in our core beliefs about whether we’re worthy of love or whether others are capable of loving us or accessible when we need them, then we'll transfer those beliefs onto God and struggle to believe he could really be there for us. But if God serves the functions of an attachment relationship in our individual lives, it can be the difference between cognitively believing in God, as most do, and emotionally connecting, trusting, and walking with him every day, which is much less common. If you came from a dysfunctional family and stopped reading now, you might be tempted to believe that it is impossible to have a genuine relationship with or healthy view of God. But the good news is that research supports the notion that those with insecure relationship styles can and do find a close, secure relationship with God as they turn to him and discover he is not like other attachment figures who have hurt them in life. Perhaps it’s time to challenge our beliefs about God (if we’ve seen him as disinterested or unavailable) and re-evaluate our own identity (if we tend to see ourselves as hopeless or unlovable). Finding hope and meaning doesn’t happen overnight. There’s no magic prayer or verse that will heal the wounds we’ve experienced. We need to be honest with ourselves, grieve our losses, repent of our own wrongdoings, forgive those who have hurt us, and learn new relational skills. Just like any other relationship, building intimacy with God requires vulnerability. Honesty. Time. Prayer. Focus. Listening. Journaling. Reading the Bible. Meditating. Remember, the goal is to connect with God, and get to know him for who he really is. This often requires peeling off layers of false core relational beliefs. When we understand our relationship with God in light of attachment research, we begin to realize how our unhealthy preoccupation with anxiety, fear, guilt, or self-punishment may actually be shutting out the love and healing we truly long for. God is not like your mother, your father, your spouse, your ex, or any other human that failed, abused, or abandoned you. If you’re from a secure background, God also cannot be the God of your father or mother. Your relationship with him must become personal. When you connect with God, and begin to grasp who he really is, you begin to build the most vital relationship in your life. He becomes your source of truth, love, forgiveness, joy, and security. It’s a choice you make. So if you’re one of the 97 percent of people who do believe in God, who is he to you? Are you close to him? If not, your relationship style is likely the reason. The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Tim Clinton and Joshua Straub. soundoff (1,423 Responses)« Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Next »Post a comment
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Editor's Note: Tim Clinton, President of American Association of Christian Counselors, and Joshua Straub, an adjunct professor at Liberty University, are the authors of 
Well, I see people are still posting, so here goes! As a psychology/counseling student, I have so enjoyed reading (and objectively analyzing) the posts. As a purely right brain thinker, I have no problem believing and embracing a more emotional belief in God– it makes sense to my reasoning style. But through my enforced studies (math and philosophy) I have become familiar with left-brain thinkers– logical, rational, intellectual. My thought is this: if someone could prove factually, beyond a doubt, that God existed, then we would all have to embrace basic belief before taking off on our various opinions of how to live with that. Now how dull would that be? We would all be little God robots or clones. This way we are free to be ourselves and explore and exercise our ways of thinking. Risky? Sure, for both brain thinkers. It's a thrill ride, either way. Maybe we should all be asking ourselves why we are or are not comfortable with that.
This article is complete bull@#&*......and that is putting it mildly. How is it healthy to believe in the false existence of an all powerful, all loving imaginary friend in the sky? Religion is bull#$%*. The belief in god is bull#$%*. Buck up and take responsibility for your own life. Do good because it is the right thing to do.....not because you are afraid of going to hell.....(which also doesn't exist). Believe in life before death. Believe in something real. Believe in your fellow man. Believe in something that actually matters.
Jon,
If you do not believe in God, then on basis do you judge what the "right thing to do" is? How do you know what the "right thing to do is? If there is no God, then why would fellow man even be important?
To The Right Thing
The idea that you must have God in order to devise or abide by moral behaviors is the real fallacy. Are you aware that Jesus did not invent the Golden Rule? That the idea of treating others as you would like to be treated can be found in the writings of philosophers all over the world – many who predate Christ? Are you aware that the Bible is a truly awful source of moral teaching. That if we used the behavior of God in the bible as a model for going to war – Hitler would look mild in comparison? Do you realize that the bible does not teach that Satan is the maker or ruler of hell. The bible teaches that Satan, like myself and all unbelievers, will be thrown into hell. The creator of hell, according to the bible, is God. Think about it. What is the morality of being who invents a way to eternally burn alive anyone who doesn't believe in him? It does no good to simply say that God is just. Real justice has meaning to thinking people. Real justice has nothing to do with eternal punishment. Eternal punishment is clearly an invention intended to coerce people into believing (probably by religious dictators initially). To say that God created hell for unbelievers, is to say that God is the most horrific totalitarian dictator ever to exist. How can any one say that God is an advocate of free will, when God eternally burns alive those who disagree with him? Believers will say that we cannot understand all the mysteries of God's actions; the fact that they are God's actions makes them just. I say, if the actions of this God are so clearly unjust, why should I believe in him in the first place?
The truth is I don't believe in God. Yet I love my wife. I love my children. I obey the law. I am kind to the humans I see every day. I even contribute money to humanitarian causes. I'm not saying that I'm a great human. I'm simply saying that I'm a basically moral person, with no need of a god-delusion to rationalize my morality.
As LaPlace said to Napoleon: I have no need of that hypothesis.
Psalms 14:1 The fool says in his heart that there is no God.
A fool reads the bible and believes that it is true.........
I think if anyone takes time to read this, you will have alot of your questions answered about who it really is thats causing horror in the world!
I hope all of you will read this, it may have some answers to things I see questioned here and on other threads, Please read it all.
http://www.lifetv.org/Web_HTML/html/Commentary%20folder/Principalities_and_Powers.htm
Understand everything and then combine all the facts. Peace!
That web site is almost a scary as the movie "Jesus Camp" The scariest movie I have ever viewed.
This page is equally important to read:
http://www.witness-pioneer.org/vil/Books/MB_BQS/14quran.htm
This is a nice source for easy English explanation of the Quran:
http://www.islamicstudies.info/tafheem.php
"There is no compulsion in religion" (sura 2, verse 256)
"(God) has not laid upon you in religion any hardship" (sura 22, verse 78)
The Bible, The Qur'an and Science
by Dr. Maurice Bucaille
THE HOLY SCRIPTURES EXAMINED IN THE LIGHT
OF MODERN KNOWLEDGE
Translated from French
by Alastair D. Pannell and The Author
http://www.witness-pioneer.org/vil/Books/MB_BQS/default.htm
The Bible has already been proven. God proves himself through history. The promises, predictions, and miracles. The human body is your best example of how awesome and real God is. Our bodies are too perfectly designed and created. Someone had to design it and create it. We humans still haven't figured everything out about the body yet. Just like a car can not just come into being by itself, the human body did not either. It does not matter what we believe or think. God is soveriegn! He wants a relationship with all of us through his son Jesus. Your belief is desired, but not necessary. God' will plan and do what he wants regardless. His Word says that those who say there is no God are fools! He proves himself everyday when you wake up and look in the mirror. I know God is real because the Holy Spirit within me is real. If you don't have it then don't judge those who do and know. Your Momma told you there was a Santa Clause when you were a kid and you believed her until you grew up and found out that he was just made up. When the Holy Spirit is within you, you know it is real and not just some story. God bless everyone.
"What Jesus Really say"..... Check and read or download for free on Amazon it cost about 35 dollars..
http://www.islamhouse.com/p/193556
Well, I think its rather remarkable that the 4 year old was able to describe exactly where his mother and father were at and what they were doing, while on the operating table. Not to mention he had been able to pick out his Grandfather that he met while in the heaven, (whom he had never seen or known) from pictures that were buried away that he had also never seen.
His Grandfather had died, when the boys father was just 7 years old. So, I don't need any thing to "help" my case, I was just offering the story for anyone who wanted to read it.
Mike-
The great juju at the bottom of the sea might be Atlantis which was first mentioned in Plato's dialogues Timaeus and Critias, so it's ancient and just as historical as biblical accounts. I have Aquaman comic books that place the Atlantean people deep under the Atlantic as water breathers. This belief is as modern a reimagining of the Atlantis story as Jesus is of Moses. Would you believe in Aquaman being real?
to answer the question "What if your wrong about the juju at the bottom of the sea" without dodging it and berating anyone else... the juju is not doc-umented in 66 various books with 1000 of ma-nuscripts with thousands of year of history so we do not know how the juju feels if we fail to believe in him or her.
@Mike
Do you think that Gilgamesh is real?
There are countless books and manuscripts that predate christianity by thousands of years that recount the life of the three quarters divine, super strong King who ruled for more than 125 years
@Mike,
Those 66 books and 1000s of manuscripts are interesting historical artifacts, yes.
If you are using the verb, 'doc-umented' in its first meaning, yes.
If you are using the verb, 'doc-umented' in its second meaning, no.
tr.v. doc·u·ment·ed, doc·u·ment·ing, doc·u·ments
1. To furnish with a doc-ument or doc-uments.
2. To support (an assertion or claim, for example) with evidence or decisive information.
Thousands of manuscripts written by man are proof of a god?
Here is a book, with exerpts. This is about a 4 year old who died on the operating table, only to come back and tell of his trip to heaven. He tells things that he could never had known, about life in his family prior to his nde!
Click on the right side of your screen, after you are inside the link, for the excerpts.
Heaven is for real.net
When my son was 4 he use to believe in monsters, and when I was 4 I use to tell stories about being on the island with Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. A 4 year old eyewitness really doesn't help your case, you know?
from ripoff reports
http://www.ripoffreport.com/Colleges-and-Universities/Liberty-University/liberty-university-not-what-it-w3w9a.htm
Liberty University NOT WHAT IT SEEMS!! Using Religion To SCAM! ripoff Once you apply to this school, even if you withdraw in a few days you are still required to pay the full tuition for that semester. Lynchburg Virginia
*Consumer Comment... Liberty is Generally a Great School!
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Liberty University
1971 University Blvd, Lynchburg, Virginia 24502
Lynchburg Virginia 24502
U.S.A.
Phone: 800-424-9595
Web Address:
Category: Colleges and Universities
Submitted: Sunday, November 27, 2005
Last posting: Thursday, January 28, 2010
Here is my story:
I applied to the school in March of 2005, and I had heard so much from the school prior to being accepted. I was just getting information on the school and filling out paperwork. Then in October of 2005, I was accepted to their Distance Learning Program which is online, of course prior it didn't say you would have to watch 18 video tapes or DVDs for some classes, and that every class would be religion based. It is also not clearly stated that even if you are paying with grants and loans that you cannot withdraw even if it is ony a few days after classes have started! I was in classes for 9 days before I e-mailed my academic advisor to withdraw from the school. I had not received any loans and only one grant. I was told that even if I withdraw I will still be required to pay $3,000 plus for my tuition even though I would not be receiving any services rendered for paying the bill. They say even though I hadn't paid for the classes yet, it is considered pay upfront, and even though no loans were dispursed to my account. The only way to get out is if you die, or are real sick and in the hospital. I was asking to withdraw because my company I worked for downsized and I was required to take on more work, and also because my wife was pregnant and having complications with extreme back pain and I had to help out more around the house, so I wouldn't have the time to study and succeed at school. And this school boast being a religious school, they are using Jesus name in vain, and preying on people, it is like once you are registered for classes there is no way out. They have you money, regardless of whether you take classes or not. And if you get student loans you will be required to pay them back. They even have the nerve to charge you finance charges, even though you are paying with financial aid! And after the fact I found out that 14 complaints have been filed with the BBB (Better Business Bureau)of Virginia! Most having to do with billing issues and refunds. So beware, even if you feel that the University isn't for you or it does not meet your expectation, you can't get out unless you die or are in the hospital.
C
Westminster, Maryland
U.S.A.
This "school" has only recently been accredited. It has the dubious distinction of being founded by Jerry Falwell and it boasts a dinosaur skeleton that they claim is 3000 years old.
I don't understand why CNN can't find people of faith with a more convincing educational credentials.
Was Phoenix University online closed that day?
Here's to properly respecting Dawkins!
Richard! Stop making sense! You'll confuse the Christians.......
Even Wikipedia does a better job in explaining and defining Attachment Theory:
"Attachment theory is a psychological, evolutionary, and ethological theory concerning relationships between humans..."
note: between humans
NL
You do believe in God. I can feel it in your anger. I think you are living on Fantasy Island. You want Christians to be delicate and loving to you, as you say all manner of offensive things about Christians. You are a horrible human being, selfish, proud, and pathetic. Have a nice life. You are a loser.
Brandy Bucktook,
Regarding your comments about @NL: Wrong again.
It is quite astonishing to watch your consistent pattern of being wrong. Remind me not to take any stock tips from you.
Brandy Bucktook
'sigh'
Perhaps if I lived on Fantasy Island I might believe in God, or at least the devil. I use to think Mr. Roarke was the devil on that show before the 'real' devil started showing up. Even then, Mr. Roarke seemed to have some supernatural powers, and they often alluded to his being some kind of agent for God, helping people get over their regrets and unrealistic expectations. Perhaps he could help you more than I can in this regard.
Perhaps you can bully other believers who disagree with you into shutting up with your name calling and accusations of being angry at God, but it doesn't work on me because (again!) I don't believe in him. By now, I'm pretty use to this kind of response once a defender of the faith runs out of arguments. The arguments seem to be running out quicker and the usual anger over being criticized surfaces much faster with each passing day, it seems. Perhaps atheist logic is beginning to really get through, and this scares folks like you?
Look at it from the other direction: no matter how secure and faithful you are, if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you the same way you care about him, is it a good idea to stay? God, by definition, is omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, eternal, and omnibenevolent; God is the only being who can perform miracles. People credit him with healing, recovery, and intervention constantly. But what about the times when he chooses not to intervene? Do you tell Christians whose children die of cancer, are kidnapped and murdered, that they weren't sufficiently faithful, or that God just didn't care? People can worship the Tooth Fairy for all I care, but if they are going to postulate a major deity, they will have to resolve the theodicy problem before we can talk.
This is a great article. I think we seem to think of atheism as creeping up as the religion of America, but that's just the distortion generated by the media. People will always feel a relationship with God, even if that relationship consists of denying his existence.
lmao! You silly owl, you can't have a relationship with something that doesn't exist. LOL
Interesting just how quickly believers abandon their attempts to answer our challenge to their beliefs, and begin offering excuses why they choose to ignore us. It's our fault for not believing, we're just being contrary, we're being deceived by Satan, ... and now this. Just another attempt to deflect the issue that many people find faith unjustifiable, and for good reason.
There's an old prayer that starts "Oh Lord, in thee have I trusted, let me never be confounded."
If you've placed all of your hope and trust in religion, you aren't exactly going to discard it lightly. Humble people of faith know that their faith is without any earthly justification, but that's exactly the point and nature (and mystery) of faith: it doesn't exist in the world of evidence and proof.
Arrogant people of faith demand that it is obviously true and that anyone who doesn't believe is an idiot.
A K
Humble people of faith are not the reason why atheists challenge religious beliefs so strongly. It is the believers who are proud and overbearing, and who actually believe that their faith is justified by science, history and reason who we feel must be challenged because they take their absolute, closed-minded certainty as licence to determine what is right and wrong for all, including moderate folks such as yourself, I presume? Together, for everyone's benefit, we should all lend our voice against these fanatics and fanatics-in-the-making, and I thank you for doing so now.
They just want us to "shut up and believe" - even if we must just pretend.
Maybe
I don't want you to shut up. I just don't understand what motivates you to tell people to not believe in God. Religious people are motivated because there is a foundation for what they believe and principles and promises they have made. Part of that promise is to tell others. I just don't know where your motivation comes from. It's like telling be don't care about life. Don't care about anything. It doesn't matter. Why would anyone motivate someone to not do anything? Just sit on your but and do nothing because it doesn't matter. I know one person that would. It's Satan.
@Brandy
The motivation to correct other people from their folly and fallacies is one of caring for other people. You are headed for a cliff, you have been eaten by wolves, you are being USED to do bad things in the name of religion...and you don't even see it!
No, there aren't many here who expect anyone to change their minds. But most of us have good intentions, don't we?
Brandy bucktook,
Go back and read the posts by @NL, which answer your questions much better than I can take the time for right now. Really read them - and not just skim over them with the agenda of how you can refute them. Think.
Brandy bucktook,
Do you believe in Scientology? Let me make an assumption here that you don't: Why don't you? Do you think that it is fabricated nonsense? Why? When you can understand why you don't believe unsubstantiated belief systems, perhaps it will help you to understand why many people don't believe yours. Scientology's supernatural nonsense has a much basis in fact as yours.
Sum Dude
What are cliff are you talking about? Name one bad thing I'm doing in the name of religion? I'm lovingly giving my friends and family hope. Hope to plant a seed of understanding that there is a God. All you offer is dispair and selfishness.
@Brandy
You have been eaten by wolves. I come along and see you helpless in the snow. You are wolf droppings. I would love to help you. Selfishness is a part of being human. You cannot escape the ramifications of selfishness.
Being honest and seeking the honest unvarnished truth should not cause despair, but considering the madness that tends to influence human behavior, like religion, you might despair a bit when faced with the iron grip that religion has on humanity.
Truth is not known to be all sweetness and light. Truth is often described as a two-edged sword. It can cut both ways but it remains truth nonetheless. The cliff is the end of humanity. Religion is the out-of-control cart that drags us all towards the cliff. Help us find the fcking brakes and quit listening to people with obviously bad agendas. That cliff is no joke.