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 Our Take: Your relationship style determines how you feel toward God
By Tim Clinton and Joshua Straub, Special to CNN A few weeks ago, Christopher Hitchens was interviewed on CNN. A renowned atheist who has recently been diagnosed with cancer, Hitchens told Anderson Cooper, “If you hear that I came to God on my death bed, don’t believe it.” We were stunned. Why? Because a growing body of research shows that from an early age we are hardwired for a relationship with a "Transcendent One." For Hitchens to willfully decide that he will fight off or deny any future existential longing he may develop for God - or shut out any evidence he comes across in favor of God - is grievous. Though it seems that America is tired of religion, we’re finding quite the opposite about a relationship with God. A recent Newsweek poll found that 91 percent of American adults claim a belief in “God”, while Time magazine reported that 85 percent identify themselves as Christian. Gallup reports that 73 percent of Americans “are convinced that God exists.” People want more of God, not less. Yet in their spiritual thirst, many people hit a wall when faced with a crisis in life: a cancer diagnosis, a divorce, a car accident, a natural disaster or a job loss. Too often, they feel distant from God and have a hard time believing he will be there for them when they need him most. Either that or they turn to God in prayer more than ever before, but end up disillusioned when he doesn’t come through in the ways they had hoped. An exciting new body of research on attachment is adding to our understanding of why we feel "close to" or "distant from" God. This theory of relationship understanding and emotion goes beyond a legalistic religious obligation to maintain good standing with God. It’s becoming a powerful way of comprehending how we can better relate to God and experience his grace on a daily basis. For many who claim to be Christian, much of modern-day thinking about how to connect with God has been reduced to a theory of sin management - that what we do or don’t do in our daily lives is the gauge by which we measure why we are, or are not, close with him. The truth is that many who leave the faith or turn away from God do so because they have come to realize that this mindset led to nothing more than a shallow or empty relationship with God. Attachment theory helps us understand our misconceptions about who God is and how we approach a relationship with him. The problem isn’t God; it is the way we view him and act toward him. Our spiritual journeys are linked to core relational beliefs established early in life based on how we've learned to perceive ourselves and others in our closest relationships. In fact, we believe everyone reading this blog has a relationship style that affects their relationship with God and significant others. We are not trying to establish religious beliefs. We're also not saying that sin doesn't create distance with God. What we’re trying to do is to help people understand more fully the nature of how their relationship style infects or affects how they relate to God. There are four kinds of attachment or relationship styles developed from our core relational beliefs, which are or aren't formed within the context of safe, close, affectionate and secure bonds. These styles reveal whether we believe we’re capable of getting the love and comfort we desire and how much we trust others to be accessible and available in moments of need. They also shape our expectations about how God will relate to us, especially during times of need. We break down the styles in our book God Attachment: Secure: a positive view of self/a positive view of others Avoidant: an overly inflated view of self/a negative view of others Anxious: a negative view of self/an over inflated view of others Fearful: a negative view of self/a negative view of others When we’re faced with stress, we seek closeness to those we feel safe with. Each one of us exerts specific behaviors to help us get closer to those we’re attached to in times of need. If we don't feel safe; if we are confused in our core beliefs about whether we’re worthy of love or whether others are capable of loving us or accessible when we need them, then we'll transfer those beliefs onto God and struggle to believe he could really be there for us. But if God serves the functions of an attachment relationship in our individual lives, it can be the difference between cognitively believing in God, as most do, and emotionally connecting, trusting, and walking with him every day, which is much less common. If you came from a dysfunctional family and stopped reading now, you might be tempted to believe that it is impossible to have a genuine relationship with or healthy view of God. But the good news is that research supports the notion that those with insecure relationship styles can and do find a close, secure relationship with God as they turn to him and discover he is not like other attachment figures who have hurt them in life. Perhaps it’s time to challenge our beliefs about God (if we’ve seen him as disinterested or unavailable) and re-evaluate our own identity (if we tend to see ourselves as hopeless or unlovable). Finding hope and meaning doesn’t happen overnight. There’s no magic prayer or verse that will heal the wounds we’ve experienced. We need to be honest with ourselves, grieve our losses, repent of our own wrongdoings, forgive those who have hurt us, and learn new relational skills. Just like any other relationship, building intimacy with God requires vulnerability. Honesty. Time. Prayer. Focus. Listening. Journaling. Reading the Bible. Meditating. Remember, the goal is to connect with God, and get to know him for who he really is. This often requires peeling off layers of false core relational beliefs. When we understand our relationship with God in light of attachment research, we begin to realize how our unhealthy preoccupation with anxiety, fear, guilt, or self-punishment may actually be shutting out the love and healing we truly long for. God is not like your mother, your father, your spouse, your ex, or any other human that failed, abused, or abandoned you. If you’re from a secure background, God also cannot be the God of your father or mother. Your relationship with him must become personal. When you connect with God, and begin to grasp who he really is, you begin to build the most vital relationship in your life. He becomes your source of truth, love, forgiveness, joy, and security. It’s a choice you make. So if you’re one of the 97 percent of people who do believe in God, who is he to you? Are you close to him? If not, your relationship style is likely the reason. The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Tim Clinton and Joshua Straub. soundoff (1,423 Responses)« Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Next »Post a comment
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The CNN Belief Blog covers the faith angles of the day's biggest stories, from breaking news to politics to entertainment, fostering a global conversation about the role of religion and belief in readers' lives. It's edited by CNN's Dan Gilgoff and Eric Marrapodi, with daily contributions from CNN's worldwide newsgathering team and frequent posts from religion scholar and author Stephen Prothero.  |
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Editor's Note: Tim Clinton, President of American Association of Christian Counselors, and Joshua Straub, an adjunct professor at Liberty University, are the authors of 
Belief in a God is pretty much like Linus and his blanket, a prop for comfort in a scary world. Humans seek meaning and easily latch onto simplistic belief systems that help them rationalize all their behavior. And some people just need rules that they can blindly follow.
@ Ryan – No Christian can force Hitchens to confess Christ as his Lord. Even under the drug, his heart would never accept the Lord. This is why we need to be full conscience when we accept or reject God. God will never allow any of us force Hitchens or any unbeliever accept God because it is a personal choice.
Why do many Christians are becoming Atheists, let me show you what I have searched:
Can Christians become atheists? Absolutely! I personally have known such people.
You see, God is invisible, but the people and situations we meet in the world are visible. So it takes far more faith to believe in something or someone we cannot see than it does to believe in what we can feel, touch, hear and see with our physical senses.
How then can a Christian become an atheist?
For starters, all he or she has to do is be human and have humanly incurable problems-problems that only God can remedy.
Next...
He or she only has to be subjected to teaching, doctrines and concepts about God (Who remains invisible and only rarely defends Himself) that either foster faith and hope-or toxify and/or destroy faith and hope.
For all the while a person is living and struggling in this physical world that feels and appears and responds to his or her actions as "real"-that person needs an understanding of God and His ways that transcends the tough realities of earth.
If one (even one who is a Christian) is not nurtured in an understanding of God that fosters hope and having a sense of a good purpose for being, what will happen finally?
He or she will finally conclude that NO GOD EXISTS.
Now, I'll share some common teachings about God, that if ingested constantly and seriously meditated on and believed (especially unconsciously) are guaranteed to unravel the hope and destroy the faith of the one who receives them.
Here are just a few of them:
* TEACHING: God helps only those who help themselves. That is, Infinite Holy Love helps only those who make sufficiently good, wise, and timely "choices" before He is forced to abandon them to pain and evil "forever and ever." How does this diabolical teaching foster anything except frenzied self-reliance instead of faith in Holy Love Himself? Thus, sooner or later the Christian who has ingested this toxic teaching will conclude: "That is what I already believed when I was a heathen: bottom line-no one is there for me-except my lonesome self."
EXIT: hope and faith.
ENTER: despair, cynicism, atheism.
*TEACHING: God is Holy Unfailing Love Personified, but He has also planned in advance to abandon most (or many billions) of His human offspring to fiery agony "forever and ever." This teaching, when constantly ingested-meditated upon-and seriously believed (in one's everyday life consciously or un) renders "Holy Love" as appearing hypocritical, irrational, and un-trustworthy. How can we love such a being who calls Himself "Love" while also seriously believing that he loves a relatively small fraction of human beings enough to help them? What makes me think that I should qualify for being one of the few he may help? How can I love Him with total commitment when He is committed to only an elect few-which may well exclude many of my own loved ones, to say nothing of myself?
EXIT: Joy, genuine hope, and love and trust toward God.
ENTER: heartbrokenness, despair, rage and rebellion, mind-binding addictions ("painkillers"), atheism.
EXIT: Sanity, patience with self or/and others, and any coherent concept of love.
ENTER: Hatred of "God" (or so the despairing Christian imagines) self and others, insanity, hopelessness, curiosity to investigate "new age" and eastern philosophies-finally, atheism.
Atheism doesn't need prophets, fantasy ancient books, groomed children, or nutcases trying to "spread the word". It is just the proper natural way of life. The real one that is. Almost all humans become Atheists a few microseconds after death. That's why we have to bury or cremate them. The rest ascend intro heaven in front of thousands of credible witnesses.
@ tony – If you think that you own your life, think again. The very pride that you have is make you miss out on the One who can set you free from the evil works of the devil. But, it is a choice and you have chosen to allow pride to blind you and harden your heart. I hope that you turn your life around before it's too late as it will be for Hitchens.
@HeisGod
I can state that my agnosticism did not happen as described in your post – which appears to be copied from someone else?
In my case, I prayed to God and relied completely upon Him to give me the truth – the actual truth.
I read no books, was not indoctrinated in any way that I can see, and the truth I found was honest truth – I came by my opinions quite honestly, you see. I had never heard of Dawkins, Hitchens, or any other famous atheists – being religious I did not even consider what they might have to say.
God answered my prayers by making me an agnostic evidentialist – not an atheist, although I know that you lump me in with them.
Your whole post is nothing but pure sophistry and conjecture without reasoning and without proof.
And too many things in it are complete lies made to defame and slander atheists as a group.
As an agnostic very sympathetic to my atheist friends, I have to conclude that you suck. Period.
I know that God exists because I have experienced miraculous events that I cannot explain without an interested benevolent Being's involvement. As a result, I have come to believe that God does not "prove" His existence but for those willing to be open to it, He will reveal himself in His own way and in His own time.
You do not "know" God exists and you have come to "justify" the lack of evidence to support your "choice" to believe. Go ahead & have faith, I don't wish to take that from you, but stating existence as fact & blaming non-believers for not being open enough is false circular logic.
So anything that you can't explain is because of God, right? If you showed the computer you are typing on to someone from Jesus' day, I'm sure they would start believe you were some miracle performing magic man, or the son of God. Would that make you either a magician or the son of God then?
Maybe you just think they cannot be explained without an interested benevolent being's involvement? Do you continue to search for alternative explanations, or have you already made up your mind?
@religious sects: I "know" that God exists in the same way that I know that you exist when I experience his interaction with my life. If you state this proves nothing then your comment itself becomes irrelevant because the only alternative your existence is that you do not exist.
@Newyorker: We are not so far apart because we both agree that there are things that cannot be explained. The difference is that you have ruled out any possible supernatural explanations a priori. This is based on the presupposition that the narrower position is always the right one. It is the same argument used by the church against Galileo.
@NL: Yes I continue to search. In the case of one instance, I have for over 40 years. To this day it makes no sense on the face of it without a benevolent Being behind the action.
A Believer-
How can you be sure that you are remembering things as they really happened after 40 years, as opposed to how you think you remember them?
We all want to feel wanted and trust in something, even if it's Cloud Fairies.
Sill, there does come a time when everyone has to grow up and become independent and self-sufficient.
Cloud Fairies huh? Thanks, I'm thinking of converting. They sure make a lot more sense than this bearded, sandal-wearing, miracle performing ancient hippie/fisherman whose blood I've been told to drink. Do you know what the Holy book of the Cloud Fairies is called?
@ im Clinton and Joshua Straub, thank you so very much for a wonderful article. I has truly blessed me. Thank you for giving us great wisdom and understanding about how our relationship style determines how we view God. God bless you in abundance!!!
I don't believe in God, but it's always good to hear from people that are happy with themselves and with their lives. May the nonexistent omnipotent being bless you too, friend.
Well, Newyorker, I appreciate your blessing.
Well, Newyorker, I appreciate your blessing. Thank you!
Christopher Hitchens stated that because any Christian might make the claim that he did say that or might force him to say it when he is drugged out of his mind on his death bed. The truth is that many who leave the faith or turn away from God do so because they have come to realize that people shouldn't believe things just because they make us feel good.
We are not trying to establish religious beliefs...... What we’re trying to do is to help people understand more fully the nature of how their relationship style infects or affects how they relate to God." How is that not establishing belief? He clearly is stating that there is a God, one god. Which means atheist, conservative Buddhists, and Hindus are WRONG.
Establishing a belief in God is through a relationship in Christ, not through any religion.
Religion are human beings working their way to God, but fail.
Christianity is God reaching out to man and woman through a RELATIONSHIP in Christ Jesus. Read JOHN 3:16
"Establishing a belief in God is through a relationship in Christ, not through any religion." Well excuuuuuse me princess. I didn't know Christianity was that special. You're going to cite the book to prove the book. That's circular logic.
As a psychologist who works with "attachment," I can tell you this article is reductive and nonsense.
Thank you. It's really a pathetic attempt to marry religion with scientific theory, and shows the author doesn't really understand attachment theory.
Finally, a sane voice in a noisy room
tom, while i respect your beliefs, thats exactly what is wrong with religion, the biggest starter of all wars is based on religious beliefs, you should have a lot of questions actually, but your strong faith has closed your mind to the truth, you have seen god??? really??? what does he or she look like? and what is the evidence you are referring to? i bet you are smart, perhaps college educated, and it amazes me that smart people still believe is such lunacy
Complete and utter drivel. What a terribly written and thought out article. This reads more like it should be a comment to a story rather than an article itself. Disturbing that this guy gets to share his thoughts with anyone but himself and those of us who troll the comments on a mainstream website.
Don't worry. Be happy now. You don't need god belief or psycho-babble.
you can't just say that something exists because there is no proof that it exists. How many scientist could produce evidence that proves George Washington existed? the answer is 0. We have just as much evidence to suggest the existence of George Washington as we have to suggest the existence of God. That being said, how many people doubt that George Washington ever existed? The absence of evidence isn't the evidence of absence. Open your minds people.
sorry megaman, scientists can absolutely prove george washington existed, seriously man, thats the dumbest thing i have ever heard, another closed minded argument that has no merit
That was the most pathetic argument I've ever heard for the existence of God in my life.
@ryan & Jerry
I have read some worse ones, but this is pretty pathetic, yes.
That play on words at the end sounds clever but that cannot stand up to proper scrutiny and analysis. A definite FAIL post.
WOW! A lot of the "pro-God" messages here sure are an embarrassment to the faith! Few...VERY FEW...of the so-called "faithful" here come close to what scripture has to say about it all. Ignorance, following some guru on radio or TV, lack of religious education...all of that feeds a poor image of Godliness. The "christians" here seem to use Jesus as some kind of magical wand; the "generalists" place God in the same category, name;y some magical "out there thing" that doesn't even come close to classical Christian teaching. And then the bigotry displayed by "believers" is so shameful I want to cover up my Bible, cross, and collection envelops! Too bad more folks can't find some fun and joy in their faith, but instead have to jut out their jaws and get pushy about it!
Yup, Jesus must be shaking his head; God must be wondering if He should have re-called the entire idea. So, shallow are so many who claim a faith, it is no wonder people laugh at so much of what passes for Christianity! The thumpers and screamers on TV, begging for your bucks, do more to damage Jesus than Judas!
What Hitchens was saying that don't believe anything he says when he is under influence of drugs and at the brink of his death as whatever he willl utter will not be rationale and properly thought out. He may be hallucinating at that point. A typical religious mind as Tim will miss the rationale thought as expected and without fail. Please stop writing these brain dead articles.
"For Hitchens to willfully decide that he will fight off or deny any future existential longing he may develop for God – or shut out any evidence he comes across in favor of God – is grievous."
What part of, Hitchens doesn't have, never has had, nor will he ever have, any existential longing for any supernatural father figure, precisely because there is absolutely *NO EVIDENCE WHAT SO EVER* for any such mythological being. So at the very least he is being consistent and true to himself.
What I find grievous is the insistence by the religious that they somehow conclude that they have the right to pass judgement on someone elses willful personal decisions, because they are better or holier or whatever. To be clear, Hitchens is not on trial for his views and he has not commited any crimes. If you want to believe in invisible pink unicorns guarding the pot of gold at the end of your personal rainbow, by all means do so.
However at least have the decency to accept another human being as he or she is. Let them die in peace without trying to push your arrogant self delusional hypocrisy down their throats when they are already in a weakened state. To do otherwise is the epitome of disrespect for another human being. Who exactly do you people think you are.
Then again, to expect god botherers to show respect for someone who has different views than their own is probably too much to expect.
At least the worshipers of the AUSTRALIAN RAINBOW-SNAKE GOD: The Great Creator Serpent, in charge of Fertility, Growth and Refreshing Rain are much less arrogant and more down to earth than members of the Abrahamic religions.... Even though their god is just as real to her worshipers as yours is to you
The RAINBOW-SNAKE is a bit of a mish-mash, with a kangaroo's head, a crocodile's tail and a python's body, all decorated with water lilies and waving tendrils.
The Snake has many names and comes in male and female form. YINGARNA, the female, is the original Mother of Creation, and her son NGALYOD is the Great Transformer of Land. Family portraits go back 8,000 years, which makes the Rainbow Snake one of the oldest religious symbols. And it's still going strong today.
http://www.godchecker.com/
We have more Gods than you can shake a stick at. Godchecker's Mythology Encyclopedia currently features over 2,850 deities.
My guess is that you already don't believe in 2849 of those deities, atheists don't believe in your god either...
Well said man. I appreciate the reference to Hitchens too.
The core message of all religions, and the only one that makes any sense is the idea that we should try to be good to each other. Any person who realizes this core message has absolutely no need for religion. Everything else religion tries to 'teach' us is therefore either unnecessary, well-meaning but misguided, or just plain wrong.
yo, another christian here. it is my belief in god that makes everything so clear. true belief in jesus will bring incredible peace of mind. – now everything makes sense: wars, famine, death etc. even the inevitable coming of the end. it makes sense. overpopulation, disease, war – it all makes sense. there really is no fear nor any questions i have. i love jesus purely and unequivocably (or however that's spelled). it is an unconditional love because i have seen god. i wish i could love god purely on faith, but i don't need to as the evidence is overwhelming.
I'm glad to hear that it makes you happy. What makes me happy is to know that I can choose not to believe in what you believe. To each their own, as they say.
I'm curious. Does he have a long white beard or is it sheared?
What some will call "a relationship with a Transcendent One" I call the biggest Pavlovian experiment ever carried out.
i am also happily married, we were married on a beach in mexico, no church, i even told the "priest" to leave god out of his comments when marrying us, not needed for out happiness...we are happily married with a child on the way, if our child wants to learn about jesus, thats his or her decision, i will never make anybody believe what i believe, thats the difference, too many religious groups pushing their beliefs onto other people, its disgusting, catholics are the worst, they are supposed to beeive in accepting all people, just as long as you are not gay, or a non-catholic its pretty hilarious actually, so to whomever wrote those comments about those you do not believe and wondering if we are happily married or if we get along with poeple and co-workers, and if we have friends, go look in the mirror and ask yourself if you have wasted your time every sunday, giving money to your church, apparently you have to pay money to get into the good graces of god, cmon people, open your eyes and learn something
This kind of over simplified view of human behavior is what I find most frustrating about you people that choose to believe in gods and religions. There is no way to break people so simply into 4 groups and if you believe this you have clearly lost all realistic views of life as we know it. There are no gods, we are just a flash in the pan and here completely by accident whether we believe it or not. There will be no gods to save you from your self, you have the control and have to do with life what you see fit. Once you die, you will be done. No more. If you dont believe this, where were you before you were born? What were you doing? What are your memories before you were even conceived? None, because you did not exist, and the same will be when you die. Btw, you think you could use the word god a few more times in this article. Why is it that those telling the biggest lie have to repeat the lie the most? Snake oil sales man = pastor. There are no gods.
I can't even believe how much effort is put into this article to try to convince weak minded individuals how they need to have a relationship with a fantastical phantasm.
Believing in a non-existent being is an embarrassment to modern civilization. As much as you try to logically rationalize your fantasy, it won't make the non-existent portion of it any more real.
The reason why people struggle in their relationship with 'god' is because 'god' doesn't exist.
I think this article could have been reduced to that line so we can move on to more productive discussions. Live solving starvation and genocide.
People, please do some real soul search and think for yourself and don't listen to people trying to convince you. Don't even listen to me. Just look at the facts of observation. Do you realize there is not one shred of evidence to support this magical fairy belief? Never has, never will be. You can bank on it.
If there is a god and he wants to tell you something, let him come and do it. Don't listen to the charlatans that are looking for your money.