By John Blake, CNN
(CNN) –True love doesn’t wait after all.
That’s the implication in the upcoming October issue of an evangelical magazine that claims that young, unmarried Christians are having premarital sex almost as much as their non-Christian peers.
The article in Relevant magazine, entitled “(Almost) Everyone’s Doing It,” cited several studies examining the sexual activity of single Christians. One of the biggest surprises was a December 2009 study, conducted by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, which included information on sexual activity.
While the study’s primary report did not explore religion, some additional analysis focusing on sexual activity and religious identification yielded this result: 80 percent of unmarried evangelical young adults (18 to 29) said that they have had sex - slightly less than 88 percent of unmarried adults, according to the teen pregnancy prevention organization.
The article highlights what challenges abstinence movements face. Movements such as “True Love Waits,” encourage teens to wear purity rings, sign virginity pledges and pledge chastity during public ceremonies.
Yet many of these Christian youths eventually abandon their purity pledges, Relevant’s Tyler Charles concludes in the article. Tyler talked to people like “Maria,” an evangelical woman who said she wanted to wait until marriage to have sex.
CNN's Belief Blog – all the faith angles to the day's top stories
But she said she started having sex with her college boyfriend when she turned 20 because nearly everyone, even most of her Christian friends, were having sex.
It seemed everyone in my life, older and younger, had “done it.” In fact, I waited longer than most people I knew and longer than both of my sisters, even though we were all Christians and came from a good home.
Relevant theorizes about why it’s so hard for so many young Christians to wait, including the saturation of sex in popular culture, the prevalence of pornography and a popular “do what feels good philosophy.”
Yet the article also asks a question that rarely comes up in discussions about abstinence movement. Relevant notes that in biblical times, people married earlier. The average age for marriage has been increasing in the U.S for the last 40 years.
Today, it’s not unusual to meet a Christian who is single at 30 - or 40 or 50, for that matter. So what do you tell them? Keep waiting?
Scot McKnight, author of “The Jesus Creed,” and "One.Faith: Jesus Calls, We Follow," acknowledges that young, single Christians face temptations that their counterparts in the biblical age didn’t face.
He tells Relevant:
Sociologically speaking, the one big difference – and it’s monstrous – between the biblical teaching and our culture is the arranged marriages of very young people. If you get married when you’re 13, you don’t have 15 years of temptation.
So what should a Christian parent or youth pastor do? How do they convince more young Christians to wait until marriage, or should they stop even trying?
Humans are a species, and are not naturally monogamous. It's ingrained in our DNA to feel the urge to mate with multiple partners to further our species. Some people will believe the craziest stuff no matter how strong the evidence is.
There is absolutely no scientific evidence supporting your beliefs.
Humans were created in the image of God monogamous. As the other poster has said, you have no proof whatsoever for your assertions. You are just trying to justify your immorality.
Hate to say it...but even your God didn't expect monogamy in your faith, just supremacy. Go back to your Bible (any translation is fine)...you'll note the phrase in a popular scripture of 10 minor rules for his people, "You shall have no god before me," or something to that nature. That's not a declaration that he is the only god, nor is it a declaration that you should stop worshipping your other minor gods. It simply states that he's the head honcho and you sure better rethink saying he's your second choice in the end. That said, your argument that you were "created" monogamous in his image is a load of BS, because he expects no such pact in your faith in him. (This moment of enlightenment has been brought to you by a heretic whom you will disdainfully ignore)
Actually it's more liked that god did want us to have many se.xu.al partners. He condoned men in the OT to have their wife (or wives), childbearing wives, handmaidens, and concubines that they were all permitted to have a se.xu.al relationship with. Many 'heroes' of your bible like Abraham, Jacob, Solomon, and David (a man after gods own heart) all had more than one se.xu.al partner. And by multiple, I mean hundreds.
It's funny that christians like to glaze over these facts and ideas. Your own god said it was okay, yet you want to tell us that we are wrong? You'll more than likely come back and say something to the fact that, "oh, these women were basically considered their wives, so in the sight of god, it is okay." It doesn't change the fact that your god allowed them to have multiple upon multiple se.xu.al partners. Which is NOT monogamy, george. It also does not fall in line with the way christians view marriage today. In fact, in todays church, it's considered illegal and immoral. Hypocritical to say the least.
Even if we did consider it okay, there is no way that any of those men could have loved and cherished every single one of them. In fact, it's more likely they didn't even know what their names were.
Doesn't sound much like a 'soulmate' if you ask me.
Georgie: Nor do you have any proof for your assertions
"Humans were created in the image of God monogamous"
In that case, Georgie, I am going to be God-like and find myself a 13 year old virgin to knock up. Then we will be subjected to the blatherings of another b-a-s-t-a-r-d child....."My daddy's god...."
If you would only include the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) in your Christian category, your statistic would improve dramatically. My brother is in his young 30's and has still not "known" a woman. Proud of you Bro!
HAHA I hope that was sarcasm.
That would require for mormonism to be the same religion as christianity, and it is not.
"To suppress a truth is to give it force beyond endurance"
I posted down below somewhere a response the what you wrote, but I will post it again:
"My morals are based on societal conventions, norms and laws built up over thousands of years, way longer than the longest possible age of your Babble – no gods required, needed or wanted!"
I respect that answer because you didn't run from the question. I don't agree with it, however. Suppose society decides that a certain race/ethnic group is undesireable and that it is good to eliminate them (ethnic cleansing). Now your moral reference is gone because society itself decided that race x is undesireable, even evil. Where do you look for moral guidance? Or do you just go along with whatever society says?
certainly not religion. look in the bible and you see many instances of god determining a people are not fit to live in an area because he made it for his "chosen people". sound familiar? maybe something in the 1930's and 40's?
That is a non answer.
You ask a good question, but morality in the example of your post is relative. For instance, do you find it equally as repugnant that the israelites perpetrated ethnic cleansing on the canaanites, or the other tribes around the middle east during biblical times because god told them to? History and morals are determined by the winners and so what you call profoundly evil in our current moral structure could change depending on the spin its given.
Chuckles: I believe George is familiar with moral relativity. He did say that he would vote for Newt as the lesser of two evils
Newt as the LESSER of two evils? What a wicked world we live in that Newt Gingrich is considered the lesser of two evils. It also looks like George is stuck in the same ru.tt that most believers find themselves in when they think of a world that exists without god means that it'll literally be a 24 hour or.gy of se.x, violence, ethnic cleansing and beastiality.
chuckles: apparently, they need the idea of god hate the same people they hate. georgie has spouted on and on (and on) about those who disagreeing with him going to hell. it seems that logic has not invaded his noggin as he expects that people can fear beings in which they do not believe
You people need to read the Scriptures. When God used the Jews to get rid of a people it was a judgement for their gross immorality. Lev. 18 clearly bring this out.
"You ask a good question, but morality in the example of your post is relative. For instance, do you find it equally as repugnant that the israelites perpetrated ethnic cleansing on the canaanites, or the other tribes around the middle east during biblical times because god told them to? History and morals are determined by the winners and so what you call profoundly evil in our current moral structure could change depending on the spin its given."
You just made my point for me. Without an objective source of morality ALL morality is relative. HotAir said that he refers to societial laws for his morality. But society changes, and it could and did happen where societies decided that a certain race/ethnic group is immoral (Nazi Germany, Kosovo, Africa in recent times).
To those who point to what they think is an example from the Bible – you simply did not answer the question. The question was about the source of your morality, and if you refer to society as a source, what do you do if society says something is good that we now think is evil.
To all the Christians:
Lust does not!
Your body is a temple of the living God, treat it as such!
wow, you are SUCH a creep.
Does that apply to smoking, drinking and obesity too? Or is it just whether someone has s-e-x prior to marriage?
Rick:Defiling is anything that pollutes the mind or the body, you have to read this in the context of this article.
Brosnan: Fair enough. I do wonder, however, how many people preaching about how one should save themselves for marriage because the body is a temple choose to defile that temple in other manners
Great comments.I appreciate your web site.It was interesting and informative. I'll be coming back for more information. Keep up the good work.
The one defect within these statistics is that many young adults claim to be Christians since it, generally speaking, is a socially acceptable religion. There are a lot of Christians, however, that do particiapte in promiscous activities. Although we are covered by grace, God still calls us to live holy lives. Check Galatians 5:15-21
Leslie, articulated well...good job!!!
Darren – those are good explanations, but the point I was trying to make is this: evidences in creation point to a creator. Matter decaying doesnt simply appear and decay. Should we believe that all matter just came to be one day and settled into a life supporting system that men are able to study and yet still do not fully understand.
The earth is 70% water and yet the decaying matter is for the most part holding the water at its boundaries. Decaying matter also makes up the ocean floor for no reason.
I believe there is a creator because everything on earth has a system and anything new that we invent is never arbitrary, but we constantly want to rakethe credentials from the hands of a masterful creator and try to rediscover things that have been easily explained.
Chad: Creator doesn't necessarily mean a being that judges human interaction.
"Matter decaying doesnt simply appear and decay. Should we believe that all matter just came to be one day and settled into a life supporting system that men are able to study and yet still do not fully understand.
The earth is 70% water and yet the decaying matter is for the most part holding the water at its boundaries. Decaying matter also makes up the ocean floor for no reason.
I believe there is a creator because everything on earth has a system and anything new that we invent is never arbitrary, but we constantly want to rakethe credentials from the hands of a masterful creator and try to rediscover things that have been easily explained."
When matter decays, it doesn't disappear. Does that help you to understand?
Though I personally believe in a divine power and creation at His will, I take the story of the creation in Genesis with a grain of salt. See, the story of the creation wasn't written until sometime between 605-538 BC while the Jews were in exile (Babylonian Exile after the destruction of the temple). So, it was written long after Judaism began. Another reason being, God is divine and we are human. There is a reason we are human. There is no way we can completely and holistically understand God. The story of the creation is not the direct word of God, but instead the word of enlightened men. Though enlightened, they are still men.
Hrm.. I never thought about that... Ppl back in the day were less prone to "pre-marital sin" because of their early arranged marriages.
Well, whether the times changed or not, I still want to TRY and follow my life-guide; Bible.
To be honest, I fell to this sin many times. I am still in my early 20's and I've failed at this sin continuously since 18. It is REALLY hard. But, I repent and am trying to let God help me into getting this under control.
Although there is Grace, we can't abuse it and use "grace" as an excuse to sin again and again. Instead, once we fully understand the love of Jesus behind that grace, we will want nothing more, but to stop and trying striving for the better for Christ.
Hopefully that made sense haha
Sent from my iPhone
1 Corinthians 1:27-29 God chose the foolish things of the world to confound the wise.
I hope not to judge anyone here but, I have read alot of statements here of believers saying what they believe according to their faith and nonbelievers stating what they believe and disbelieve.
Those "wiser" than God, that is those who have lived less than 10 million years. By proof of the war, crimes, and inhumanity of men are actually confused.
Fact tells us that a plane can only fly so long before a loss of propulsion power and then gravity brings it back to the ground.
What is holding the earth in its place and why doesnt its weight overcome whatever scientist believe is holding it? How are we able to displace massive amounts of dirt, water etc and yet the earth spins steady. Who made dirt? There must be a God somewhere!?
Young Christians NEVER DID WAIT. So this is much to do about nothing. Must be a slow news day.
chad: how does the possibility of a creator necessarily mean a being that it is a being that judges sin? also, how did you come up with the 10 million years?
Jesus cannot be learned with the mind alone, a father is not loved by his son just because he is his father. But the Father is trusted by the son and has gained equity from the fathers outward love, protection, shelter, guidance, advice etc. People hate Jesus without a cause, using faults we find in his followers as reason not to believe in what He is trying to do for all of mankind. People are mad at Believers for being judgemental, yet failing to calculate how judgemental they are for boasting of how superior their anti-buybull logic is based on 100 or less years of life experience. Unable to explain the origin of the ground they depend on, willing to accept a "big explosion"( a fire caused by fuel) that just is and was! Who might praise scientist looking for a non visible"God particle"as a "building block to all things existing. But rejecting a record of a non visible creator interacting at times with creation bc the particle doesnt tell us the best way to live so that there will be peace on earth if all followed. Stop excusing immorality on the basis that those who should he morally upright are not! Its like seeding because the cops are speeding, but wanting a pardon when you run over someone or flip the car and have to account for a dead passenger.
chad: perhaps we just don't share the idea of what is moral with people who existed 20 centuries ago
Rick – I am going to have to do what may seem like monologue in order to answer your question. I apologize
Genesis tells me the creator created mankind in His image and his likeness. So since I have a body and God is a Spirit, that tells me that there is more to me than my physical attributes bc I, like Adam was made in Gods' image and likeness. Since God is spirit there must be a spirit made in me as well. I believe the creator judges our sins for the same reason.
God created the heavens and the earth "both an awesome wonder" for all of us, those who believe and those who do not. The earth is our first home it is a roof over our heads and a floor under our feet, it provides material for walls you get the point.
I had an earhly father that provided a house for me when I came into the world, and my father set order in his house. I couldnt say booty or butt,fart, or any such words and my father wasnt religious. But he knew that without order there would be chaos and when chaos still broke out he judged according to what was pre established. So that we knew what was pleasing to his rule as the leader. The earth is my home, the creator made all of mankind and provided all we need, it would be irresponsible of the creator to not set order right?
WHen I was young (ten million years ago, so that makes me about the same age as God, I guess), young Christians couldn't wait to hop in the sack. Young Christians will be doing te same for however long young Christians roam this Earth.
What is holding the earth in its place and why doesnt its weight overcome whatever scientist believe is holding it?
The earth is not held in place, it is orbiting around the sun. The weight, or rather the inertia, of the earth is what is holding it in its orbit against gravity from the sun.
How are we able to displace massive amounts of dirt, water etc and yet the earth spins steady.
The total weight of material we have been able to displace, across all of history, would be less than the weight of an ant compared to a blue whale. The whale simply wouldn't notice and neither has the earth. The mass of water shifting with the tides, on the other hand, is a significant portion of the mass of the planet and the impact on the spinning of the planet is readily calculated.
Who made dirt?
Dirt is what happens when plant matter decays. Dirt is made continuously and all over the place.
There must be a God somewhere!?
chad: that may be logical, but i have heard from christians left and right that god is not bound by earthly logic
Here is my two cents on your thoughts.
You lost me in your first sentence, "Those "wiser" than God, that is those who have lived less than 10 million years." I knew right then, your argument was going to be ridiculous. For people who don't believe in god, of course they are wiser than god, an infant is wiser than something that doesn't exist. Also, have you lived less than 10 million years? More than a hundred, as you state later? Of course you haven't, so how are you as so wise to what is truth and what is not? Your argument is futile. It makes no sense. You speak about an invisible god who interacts with people, can I have your proof to this please? Of course not, because there is no offering of proof.
Your analogy about the cop was one of the most bizzare I've ever heard, but I'll respond to it. I don't look to christians or christianity for my morality. I didn't have premarital se.x because christians were having premarital se.x. I did it, because it was my choice to do so. If I don't believe something to be immoral, blaming it on others is a moot point.
"Since God is spirit there must be a spirit made in me as well. I believe the creator judges our sins for the same reason." Where in the world is that in the bible? Please, show me your scripture to back that. In the bible, god is not a spirit, god is god, there is no equal. Putting man and god on the same level is a dangerous game in your religion.
"The earth is my home, the creator made all of mankind and provided all we need, it would be irresponsible of the creator to not set order right?" Why would it be irresponsible? Why would the creator of everything care in the slightest about us? While I am agnostic, I don't believe that any god(s) care about us in the slightest. They want to maintain a balance of energy, which fills up everything in this universe. Man is too prideful and needs to feel too in control to not have an explanation of everything, even though it makes more sense to believe that if there is a god, they are far too complex for us to truly understand and more than likely have no desire to interact with us on any level.
Those are just the points I wanted to touch on. The fact is, when arguing for your belief in god the bible does not work. If you don't believe in the christian god then of course you are going to believe that the bible is fallible. I desire christians to prove to me the fact that their god exists, but it cannot be done. You can offer me no proof that you are more right than any other religion that was made by man. When christians learn that, they will learn that arguing their beliefs on the bible is ignorant.
I think a distinction has to be made between two types of sinners here. One is the sinner who falls victim to temptation once, repents, and fights sin. The other type is the ones who embrace the sin as a way of life. This second type don't even pretend to feel guilty over what they are doing and continue to sin. They are the ones who will be burning in hell.
Does it give you wood to think of sinners as burning in hell? Make you feel omnipotent, pendejo?
No, I don't want anyone to have to suffer in hell. I want everyone to know and accept our lord Jesus. That's why we need conservative Christians to be elected to bring our country back from this immorality.
I think George just described Newt Gingrich!
Sorry, Georgie, I don't accept (your version of) Christian morality. What was moral to a bunch of sheep herders 20 centuries ago does not necessarily qualify as moral to us now. And,your proxy threats of hell are laughable
20 centuries ago, engaging in slavery and conquering others was considered moral, accepted, and almost a duty to perform. Is that what you aspire us to do today George? Slavery is not only immmoral, it's a crime world-wide. Wars are still being fought, but for no good reason. But the most immoral thing would be for ANY organization .. ANY ... to tell ME what I can or cannot do in MY life. I am responsible for ME, and I answer to NO sky-daddy. I follow the laws of my society, and me having a relationship with a consenting woman is well within the laws of my society. I follow civil law. There is no such thing as 'religious' law. ALL laws are drafted by governments. If this "god" of yours has a problem with it, tell "it" to get its ass down here, find me, and we'll get down to business.
Mirosal: Like Dorothy in the Wizard Of Oz, we are not supposed to look behind the curtain, or question anything.
@ Rick ... sorry about that, but it's my DUTY to not only peek behind that curtain, but tear it down, rip it into shreds, and let the world know what a sham it is behind the scenes. These idiots standing at pulpits just don't get it. The more they tell someone to NOT do it, the more they want to do it. Telling them it's forbidden won't work. Simple, direct education using verified reliable resorces is the best thing, regardless of what school one attends. Oh, and the babble .. oops I mean buy-bull ... sorry, that 'book' is NOT reliable by any means, nor is it verifiable in the least.
>>>"simple, direct education using verified reliable resources is the best thing, regardless of what school one attends. "
Define verifiable resources. Such as ones that said there was a lone gunman that killed Kennedy? Or how about climate change. Al Gore said the facts were done and can not be disputed. Since the email scandal he has been very quiet. I do not think he even went to Durbin this time.
The crazy thing is that there are parts of the Bible and other Holy texts that are fascinating in that they had a understanding of some things that it would take scientist thousands of years to confirm. For a quick example, today they declare the Earth was formed from the matter left over from the Big Bang. Open the Bible and in the opening details it said Earth was "without form". I know it is all up to interpretation but that a person who had these details just had them come to him. To me this is one of those where science and Religious studies do not require themselves to be on polar ends.
For all you who want to challange the Bible, answer the question: What is the source of your morality? If you cannot answer this or say I have my own morality, then you are indeed immoral.
Perhaps according to your god delusion, georgie boy
still dreaming of eternity on your knees in front of jesus? better take breath mints
the idea that anyone other than "god" can judge a person's morality is aburd. you are nothing but a mouthy wannabe, georgie....
"But the most immoral thing would be for ANY organization .. ANY ... to tell ME what I can or cannot do in MY life. I am responsible for ME, and I answer to NO sky-daddy. I follow the laws of my society, and me having a relationship with a consenting woman is well within the laws of my society"
Just because you don't like it doesn't make it immoral. So you are just as much admitting that you are your own source of morality? Wonderful. How is it down in relative morality land? It's not morality, it's immorality.
As far as the laws of society, we have slipped too far down into the moral sewer. We need to elect conservative Christians to actually enforce the laws against forn.ication and ad.ultry. Wow, what an idea. To elect people who will enforce the laws.
"Just because you don't like it doesn't make it immoral."
Keep that in mind, Georgie.
"So you are just as much admitting that you are your own source of morality?"
"It's not morality, it's immorality."
You are in no position to make the call of what is moral or not. So, go sodomize yourself, punk
If politicians start enforcing laws against adultery, they will be defeated, for good reason.
My morals are based on societal conventions, norms and laws built up over thousands of years, way longer than the longest possible age of your Babble – no gods required, needed or wanted!
"My morals are based on societal conventions, norms and laws built up over thousands of years, way longer than the longest possible age of your Babble – no gods required, needed or wanted!"
I respect your answer. I don't agree with it, but I respect it because you answered my question and didn't run from it.
Now my question to you is: Suppose society decided that it was good and moral to kill off a certain race/ethnic group. Now your reference is gone because it is society that has made the decision that race x is undesireable, even evil. (This has happened in Nazi Germany, Africa, Serbia, and where ever there is ethnic cleansing).
I guess I didn't ask the question. Using that scenario, where do you look for moral guidance now? Or do you just go along with whatever society deems good?
Id say they are banging anything that moves 50 years ago and today in the pulpit every kid gets is right up the pop shot. Lucky stray dogs dont get it up the hochie when they walk within 50 feet of a church....
First let me say that I am a Christian and although I intended to wait until marriage I didn’t. I was in a long term relationship, we dated for over 2 years, and I truly loved him and at the time whole heartedly believed we would be married someday. I gave in to temptation and afterwards convinced myself it would be okay because we loved each other and would be married after high school.
What I realize now is why God instructs us to wait for marriage is to prevent heartache. It is out of his love for us that he is trying to protect us. Losing your virginity with someone you love creates a lifelong bond meant to be lasting which is precisely why you need a commitment that is eternal first.
I now am happily married with two beautiful children. Even though I have a connection with my husband, the father of my children, it still hasn’t changed the fact I feel connected still to the man I lost my virginity to. This has brought considerable conflict in my marriage and heartache.
I tell my now teenage daughter as she is approaching a year plus relationship with a boy she believes she loves and will be with forever to wait so she won’t hopefully have to experience that heartache. I pray that she will remain strong in her desire to wait.
If a relationship is meant to be it will be so I still believe that true love can wait, and should. Not that it will be easy, but that it will be worthwhile.
Isaiah 48:18 – If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea.
Wow, that was a great explanation. I really believe that also. I too, was in a long relationship with a man (11 years). I started dating him at 13. I eventually gave into temptation and found that I too have this bond that messes things up for me now, because we are no longer together. Thank you for this.
Amen. Yes, thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story!
I believe that Love is more than immediate satisfaction of our desires but a choice.
True love does wait!
Bravo thank you. Two bits in brief: goes for this man too. Thirty years after teen, tho having strived to live in my personal code of honor, I feel I missed a great oppty to be the guy who chose to honor but not bed lovely souls I was blessed to meet. All remain very dear but due to physical intimacy long ago we've not socialized since - sadly and needlessly. With women I loved but not physically, now it is the greatest blessing to remain very close friends, and to have a place of honor in the hearts and homes of their families as someone who always protected the honor of the woman at the center of their family life. These friendships are most precious and we have the most hilarious times, all with a profound underlying sense of mutual respect for one another. And great love. Physical intimacy is way over-blown both as good and bad thing, esp. relative to profound emotional intimacy among loving intelligent friends who look out for one another. The chance to forego the great joys of physical intimacy before marriage, in return for the much much greater joys of great beautiful friendships for life, is a bargain I'd always jump at. Ultimately It's just not worth it, regardless of how "good" anyone or the media might promise. Take care also with "everyone's doing it" - common is not always best. Best left to lemmings. Go the long way around, reach for the best life and love has to offer, and never ever settle. Especially for what you can never take back.
Like you, Mom of Teenager, I made a mistake with one person and it has caused heartache that could easily have been avoided had I waited. (I made it to 39 years old) I regret every day that I did not wait, and am more determined than ever to stay pure till marriage. It is difficult, but not impossible with God's help.
Trixie and Mike – I'm glad you can also say here for anyone in our previous shoes that our choice was a mistake that has had continuing effects. I wish someone would have warned me about it in this way as opposed to just don't do it because it is wrong. And it is wrong ...it is sin, but the point is sin hurts us and that is why God trys to warn us from committing sin. This is not something you can undo. Not the act nor the consequences of it.
Mom of Teenager: Could you be more specific about these continuing effects?
Rick – I would be happy to. Beside the possible ongoing consequences like unplanned pregnancy and STDs I specifically spoke in my original post that mine is heartache. Because I chose to give my virginity before marriage I now suffer the consequence of having a life long connection with someone who isn't my husband. Although I haven't spoke to that man more than a handful of times in the last decade I still have a bond with him that won't be broken. I had to chose not to speak to him in any context in order for my marriage to survive by my own choosing because I knew it was necessary. I'm not meant to have a bond like this with someone who isn't my husband. Because I do I have heartache from it and it has caused my husband heartache as well knowing I feel this way. I love my husband dearly and even though we have 2 children and have been together now for almost 17 years it doesn't change the fact that I have a special bond with someone else. I cannot recall anyone I know ever saying they don't remember and think about thier first.....
"Because I chose to give my virginity before marriage I now suffer the consequence of having a life long connection with someone who isn't my husband. "
So, feeling bad is your choice?
"Beside the possible ongoing consequences like unplanned pregnancy and STDs"
Regarding the unplanned pregnancy, married people have them too. Besides, if you are faithful to your husband, the risk of unplanned preganancy is not an ongoing consequence, it is one that is 17 years in the rearview mirror
Rick – No feeling bad about it doesn't quite cover it. It is not a feeling bad about a decision now, I did of course feel guilty about but it but I have asked for forgiveness and I have obtained that from God. It is a heartbreak of having a deep love and connection with someone that I am not with any longer. A bond I wish I had with only my husband. My choice to feel this way is correct in one way, it is a consequence of a choice I made almost 2 decades ago. If I could now "chose" to not feel this way I would but that is the point it isn't something I can change now. As for an unplanned pregnancy being something in the past I have to assume you don't have children or I misunderstood your point because a child is definitely ongoing; it is for a lifetime. My prematial $ex did not result in a pregnancy, but it could have. That it why I said unplanned pregnancy or STDs are a possible ongoing consequence.
If it is in the past, how is it an ongoing concern? I am a 55 year old man, and I do not have ongoing concerns about zits. It seems that you continue this feeling by expecting that it was something you should have shared only with your husband
I suppose I don't get that whole "deep love and connection" thing about lost virginity
Rick on "If it is in the past, how is it an ongoing concern?"
If you are talking about how would an unplanned pregnancy be ongoing conern I'm lost b/c a child is definitely an ongoing concern. You don't just parent for amount X years, it is forever. If you are referring to a bond with someone well if the bond is still intact it is ongoing.
As for zits I would have to assume a zits you had decades ago are gone so obviously that wouldn't be an ongoing concern. But I would hardly compare zits from decades ago to a life time bond with someone.
You are right on I do think this bond is something I should only share with my husband. Why would I want to share this with someone other than him? Would you not agree?
I see you don't understand what I'm trying to convey so I have to believe you didn't lose your virginity with someone whom you loved or you did and you remained with that person to this day. Otherwise I'm certain you would understand.
@Mom of Teenager-
Please note first off, that I respect you for posting this and being honest. It was far better that way than most of the 'you're going to hell' nonsense. And I appologize for being a little late to the debate.
With that being said, do you believe that you truly feel connected to that person because of the act of se.x before marriage or because for around two years you had deep, resounding feelings for that person? The first few people that I slept with in my teens, I feel absolutely no connection to them what so ever. I wasn't a guy who just 'hooked up' with girls either. I was always dating and made sure it was something they were truly wanting to do. But I never viewed myself as in love with them. Now, there was a girl that I dated in college for well over a year. We were very close, very intense from the beginning, and she was the first girl I ever told I loved and the only one I have told other than my wife. We never once had se.x at any time of us being together or knowing one another. Other than kissing, we were barely physical with each other. This was because she wanted to wait, and I respected her want. But that attachment I had to her, because we were in love, lets her still linger in my mind from time to time even though I am also married to someone I love far more for ten years now. I would think it is safe to say that the act of love, the deep emotion behind something that felt so real, is far more damaging in the long run to your emotions and 'connection' than the act of se.x. I also believe it is something to work through. There is no reason you can't let that person go and completely devote yourself to your husband. The link continues because your psyche allows it to.
I think too often the church creates guilt when it comes to things like se.x. Kids are shamed within the church by their peers and ridiculed for the premarital act. Why? Because of the fear and dam.nation put into followers of christ based on the act. Whether we want to believe it or not, the church instills fear as means of control. It is their greatest tool, to scare people into believing. I think this toppled with the idea that we are emotional beings, that have the potential to feel deeply for others, causes the heart ache more than the actual act of se.x. Emotions become the bond, and then when you add the guilt that the church puts on its followers for not waiting, you come out with a very damaging combination. And it is damage that can last a while and be truly influential in your well being.
If we were to educate our children on how to have safe se.x other than just teaching abstinence, I think the youth would be far better off. My parents taught both. They taught me the truth about their relationship, that they didn't wait till they were married, and taught me that they thought I should wait until I thought it was right. And even then, they taught me the ways to have se.x safely as to not run the risk of getting an STD or a girl pregnant. I think it is safe to say that abstinence alone is not working. Youth are still having se.x before marriage all the time. STD and pregnancy rates grow higher, not because of 'immoral America,' but because the majority of youth do not learn how to have se.x safely.
Just wanted to throw in another side to think about.
Non Believer –
I agree that if you love someone you can have as you say lingering thoughts / feelings for someone you didn’t have $exual relationship with. But I can also say I’m positive my connection is more than just that love. There was a noticeable difference in my feelings / connection for this man after we were intimate. I do personally believe this bond happens once; the first time. As you stated you didn’t lose your virginity to someone you loved. I feel certain had you to your college girlfriend that you truly loved your bond to her would be much more substantial than it is.
I am devoted completely to my husband without doubt and I have let that person go in my mind but that hasn’t changed the connection there and I doubt it ever will. Even though I love my husband and we have a family and many years together our bond still isn’t the same as the one I had with the one I gave my virginity to. My belief is $ex is not meant to only be a physical act of two bodies becoming one but also an emotional act of bringing two people together as one. This is meant to be eternal. What relationship do we have that is also meant to be eternal; marriage. That is why $ex and marriage are meant to be together. It is also why when you aren’t with that person it brings heartache; it is like part of you is missing. It isn’t the same as I had a long relationship and had deep feelings for this person. I have experienced that before and that isn’t even close to the same type of loss.
As for scare tactics: I’m certain there are “churches” that want control and fear. As in anything there are representatives that don’t embody the group. To group all “Christians” together for judgment would be like me grouping all men together based on my unpleasant experience with a few. Those “churches” you speak of are not of God. God is love. God gives free will. There are consequences to your choices from your free will. God’s word is available to guide us on how we should live our lives in a way that will be the most fulfilling. Thankfully God knows we are not righteous and that we WILL fall short of his glory. That is why he sent his son to pay the price for our sins. I truly hope someday you will open your heart to his love. It is something beyond words.
As for educating our children I agree mostly with you. I believe in teaching abstinence because it is ultimately in their best interest whether you believe in the biblical reason for it or not. Pregnancy and STDs are not 100% preventable even in the practice of safe $ex. As I stated before I have a teenager daughter. I have been very open with her about $ex for years. I have told her although my heart’s desire is for her to wait I’m not naïve enough to believe she might not find herself in a situation where her body’s hormones cause a lapse of judgment. For this reason although she implicitly says she will wait for marriage I know her feelings for her boyfriend are real and I know in the right scenario it could change. This is why I took her to OBGYN and I got her a prescription for birth control and filled it at our local pharmacy for a year paid so that if the time comes she needs it will be available. I know many people would disagree with this approach, but like I said we all have free will and whether she remains a virgin until marriage will be ultimately her choice not mine. All I can do is give her all the information of each side and pray she makes the right choice.
Thank you for taking the time to respond.
This is where I struggle with the idea of se.x creating a bond. It's like you said, "As you stated you didn’t lose your virginity to someone you loved. I feel certain had you to your college girlfriend that you truly loved your bond to her would be much more substantial than it is." If in the act of losing your virginity to someone, creates a bond, then why don't I feel the bond with the girl I lost my virginity to? Why do I feel absolutely no connection to her at all? Yet the only two girls that I do feel any form of bond to, are the first girl I told I loved and truly felt in love with (whom I never had se.x with), and the second girl, my now wife.
My thoughts on the matter is based on the religious influence from church. It lives within spirituality (which for the most part lives just within religion), to believe that se.x is a spiritual act. If you polled a group of people, I would guess that most of those who went to church and had lost their virginity before marriage would feel a bond to those they had lost it to, where as the majority of people who do not have a religious following would feel the same way I do. I can't back that up with facts, only speculation. I also am a bit of a hyprocrit in thinking such way, because when I did lose my virginity, I was extremely active in my church. Just never believe it was truly a 'sin.' I do not think there is anything wrong with feeling that it is something special, I just wonder if people feel that way because it is something that is truly fact or something that we are conditioned to feel within a religious stage?
I think all churches, or religions even, use scare tactics. Some may present them in more loving ways than others, but the root of it is all the same. You have to believe in something, like god, give your life to it and follow its commandments and life instructions, or you are going to go to he.ll. He.ll may be replaced with 'eternal separation' or a eternity in 'darkness,' but it all comes to the same end. Salvation is found within believing in something and giving your life to it. And do people become believers because of their desire to worship the creator with their very being for the rest of their life? Or is it because of the reward of heaven, or the reward of a lack of 'eternal dam.nation?' If christianity did not have the reward of eternal life in heaven, would you be a believer? If, as the bible says, you spent your entire life going against your 'human nature' to sin, struggling every day, and begging for forgiveness when you screwed up, only to at the end of your life be carried into nothingness, would you still believe? Even if you say yes, I think a majority of believers would say no. Why would you spend so much of your life living a certain way if there was no reward? THEN, it becomes a matter of, are people following their 'saviour' because they choose to follow god, or are they doing it simply not to go to he.ll?
I applaud you for being a christian (or religious) mother who is not being naive. I'm not saying that safe se.x is 100% effective. Human error and other factors do come into play. But I still do believe, whole heartedly, that the decline and close to elimation of unwanted pregnancies would drop to a point where abor.tion would not be near as big of an issue as well as the STD rate would drop so low it would not be as big of an issue either. The problem is, that people still want to teach abstaining as the only way, which once kids get old enough, to realize that they can have se.xu.al relationships without their organs falling off (yes, I did have friends taught this) they will do so, but not in a manor that is safe or constructive.
Mom of a teenager
You don’t even know how much you encouraged me. I had been in an 8 year relationship and we had never had s#x. I was sure that that was the one thing I did not want to happen. We eventually broke up (on good terms too…actually I’m friends with him now) and I have continually thought to myself how that was the BEST decision I could have ever made. Now, I’m not dating at all and am waiting for my husband. I know it’s the right thing to do. I’m sure he’ll appreciate the extreme sacrifice I made (because my ex was a really good guy). Also, I would be devastated now because he moved on and had s#x with someone else. I know my value isn’t tied up with the actions of another person, but I am a believer that you should be able to feel like you are exclusively one person’s love. Uggh…I am sooo super thankful to myself and to God for waiting! You affirmed what I knew to be true. :) I feel so much better reading what you said!
Non believer – I personally believe the reason you didn't is because you didn't love the first one you were with. $ex is meant to be an act of love and when it is done in a loving relationship I believe it will create a bond.
LoverofYah – First let me say congratuations for holding firm to your faith when I know it was probably one of the hardest things to do. You are totally right you would have been devastated at thinking of him with someone else if you had. In my experience even though I broke off the relationship (on good terms as you did) and he waited many years before moving on and marrying it still hurts to this day to think about it. No doubt God will reward you for following his word!
I use money and need it to buy things to meet my family and my essential needs because that is the way our society is. However that is as far as it goes. I dont go and throw my kid in a daycare for 8 hours a day with people who I dont even know just so that I can have a nicer house, car, boat, or whatever. That is the slavery im talking about. Slavery that destroys you and others lives. I dont take a job and leave my family for weeks and months so we can have a better house when a job is available that pays a little less and will allow me to be around my family more. I'm not enslaved to a job that I hate just so I can keep a certain house or material thing. My family would be content wherever we lived because our joy isnt dependent on anything in this world. Now of course we still are effected by things but they dont control us, like where we move, I lost everything so Im gonna kill myself, etc.etc... Most people's goal in life is to make as much money as possible so that they can enslave themselves and their kids to more and more material things and then their kids just repeat the cycle.
I have money, I don't need to minimize my life
Slave haha. You are a slave. I would rather be a slave of something good than a slave to a bunch of dead material things like money and whatever else controls your life. You're a human being, the highest form of being on this planet and yet are led through life by dead material things that normally end up destroying your life.
If you think YOU are not a slave to money as well then you are even more ignorant than you initially proved to be.
Another subjective opinion there, Garrett. Enjoy your slavery
"I would rather be a slave of something good"
Edited translated hearsay from bronze age sheep sodomizers
you know there is a God. You cant be that stupid.
Is that all you got? Go home and get your shinebox, slaveboy
You might say well what kind of God would send me to hell because I dont accept his religion. Well its not a religion, its reality and the truth. You call it religion because you deny what is true and good. And if he is God then he created everything, including the mind and heart that you choose to hate him with, so your crimes in this life are all mainly against him because as God he makes the laws. You feel comfortable because you think you have so many years left on this earth, but one day your days will end and the God who created everything that you enjoyed in this world (your food, children, air, water, nature, beauty, etc..) you never even acknowledged him and not only that, you gladly took his gifts and spit in his face all your life. Sin is so dangerous that it blinds you from being able to discern what is good and true. You will regret it...
You call it the truth. It is a subjective opinion. Your proxy threats are laughable. I cannot hate a being in which I don't believe.
Also, if god is a spirit, how does it have a face?
You cannot prove that your god created anything. Therefor, your claims of hell and so forth are moot. Once christians realize that they can't prove their god exists, then their arguments become ridiculous.
Oh and I know what you'll say, 'can you prove he doesn't?' The problem is, I don't have to. I cannot offer up evidence of something that isn't real and I don't have to because I don't believe in it. It's just like I don't believe in unicorns. I don't have to offer proof that they don't exist, because the absence of proof that they ARE real is proof enough that they don't.
I believe in god, just not any that religion defines. I just don't believe that god cares any more in us or this world or universe than to keep the energy levels, positive and negative, balanced.
If you are right and God doesn't exist then you will be fine. But what if you are wrong and when you die you stand before a perfect and righteous God who created you and all he asked for was that you have a relationship with him. What then? Isn't it more to your benefit to believe then to disbelieve?
"What the heart wants, the will chooses and the mind justifies."
You and I wouldn't choose God, you can't choose God, you are too selfish. If God wants you to believe who he is, he will lift the veil off your eyes and show you his glory. I pray that he would change your heart to love him.
You appear to be under the assumption that there is only one truth. What is true for you is not necessarily true for anyone else. Just because people used to be believe that the earth was flat did not make the earth flat. The earth remained spherical. Meaning, no matter how much you believe that your "truth" is the only truth is an actual, correct statement, we actually can proof that you're wrong. Not that would stop you.
"If you are right and God doesn't exist then you will be fine. But what if you are wrong and when you die you stand before a perfect and righteous God who created you and all he asked for was that you have a relationship with him. What then? Isn't it more to your benefit to believe then to disbelieve?"
What if both are wrong, and the TRUE GOD is not the one in which you believe? Would you not be in the same position as you describe for those who do not believe the God you do?
Garrett go read up on Pascal's Wager you ignoramus. And I spit in your face too.
Rick, you never answered Sydney's original question (responding with a question doesn't count). So I'll ask it again:
If you are right and God doesn't exist then you will be fine. But if you are wrong and die, then stand before a perfect and righteous God who created you. What then?
@Steve the Goat i agree with you i never really believed in "God" to begin with and your right again i only went to church so i didnt upset my dad my mom can give less of a dam what i do with my life for the most part
Who says that spirits dont have faces? See thats how shallow your thinking is. You think that if you cant see it then it doesnt exist. I know of plenty of invisible things that exist.
Garret: Do these other invisible things have facial characteristics?
garrett: does this spirit have a skin color? an eye color? is it left handed or right handed? flat footed?
They're not waiting any more because more and more people are realizing god is a lie. It's a gradual process losing things that are hammered into you, and it takes longer for society in general, but young people are realizing how much a load of bull it is. They don't totally shed everything partially because they don't want to upset mom and dad.
God i not a lie, he is very real & I'll be praying for you!
CC can't get laid.
Yeah, the more people realize that God is a lie, the more immoral and corrupt they become. I definitely see the correlation. Can you?
Most never did.
The CNN Belief Blog covers the faith angles of the day's biggest stories, from breaking news to politics to entertainment, fostering a global conversation about the role of religion and belief in readers' lives. It's edited by CNN's Daniel Burke with contributions from Eric Marrapodi and CNN's worldwide news gathering team.