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Is God going to hook me up online? Assessing Christian Mingle and 'soul mates'
January 7th, 2012
02:00 AM ET

Is God going to hook me up online? Assessing Christian Mingle and 'soul mates'

By Thom Patterson, CNN

(CNN) - Has God taken an interest in the computer dating business? Does he (or she) have a username and password?

You might think so, if you’ve seen TV ads for the subscription-based dating website christianmingle.com.

The announcer says confidently: “Find God’s match for you.”

Really? Is God going to hook you up online? Cue the blogospheric debate.

"That's awfully bold to presume they already know who God wants you to marry," tweeted @Jessie_luvJesus recently.

"... SMH [shaking my head] these folks should be ashamed," wrote @EWebb424.

The tagline has been creating a “misconception” that God works exclusively through Christian Mingle, says spokeswoman Ashley Reccord.

Launched in 2001, Christian Mingle now boasts more than 5 million members, 40% of whom joined within the past year, according to the site (Full disclosure: Christian Mingle advertises on CNN.)

Members can register free and are asked to answer several questions based on religious background and personal preferences. Based on those answers, the website offers profiles of potential matches.

A search on the site for “soul mate” among women age 18-80 came up with 1,000 profiles, including one from Florida.

“I’m in search of the man God has for me,” writes the 35-year-old woman. “I’m looking for my best friend, my soul mate, and someone to share life’s greatest moments with.”

A 39-year-old woman in Colorado Springs, Colorado, wrote, “I still believe in true love … a soul mate. I am reasonable. I understand that there is not a perfect man out there … but one who is perfect for me.”

Says Reccord, the Christian Mingle spokeswoman: "God can orchestrate and use the medium of Christian Mingle to allow people to find their match for one another on the site. He may or may not use that means, but he can use that means."

So does that mean the cliché is true, that some matches really are “made in heaven?" Does God, if you believe there is one, pre-select us to pair up as life partners, as "soul mates?"

The Bible has little if anything to say about the matter, according to many religious writers and leaders. But several high-profile religious commentators have strong opinions about the idea:

–Soul mates do exist, according to some religious voices who cite the Jewish Talmud.

–Many Christians believe God helps people create their own kind of soul mates.

–Some say the Bible's "language of sexuality" supports the concept.

–Islam rejects the notion of soul mates, according to Muslim leaders.

–Many say belief in soul mates has negative consequences and can even be harmful.

Some of those warning about the dangers of the soul mate idea are Christians.

"If I get to heaven and I hear God say he had someone picked out for me, I'll believe him," says Lisa Anderson, host of "The Boundless Show," the evangelical Christian group Focus on the Family's podcast for young adults.

"But it seems that this soul mate idea is really breaking up a lot of marriages and it's keeping a lot of young adults single."

Anderson says that believing in soul mates sets up two possible worst-case scenarios: a revolving door of marriages or a lifetime of being single.

Many young adults, she says, make this mistake: They think if they marry their “soul mate” then the marriage will be easy and wonderful. Then if the marriage turns rocky, game over; they suddenly decide they've picked the wrong mate. The marriage ends and they return to square one, searching for someone else to fill the soul mate role.

On the other hand, searching for a soul mate can be tragically intimidating, to the point of indecision.

"We're seeing young adults – X-ers and millennials - absolutely paralyzed and unable to get to marriage because they want to do it right," says Anderson. "They don't want to be their parents' generation ... the largest divorce generation in history."

Yada yada yada

But other evangelical Christian opinion-makers back Christian Mingle’s idea of an divinely ordained match.

"I would be scared to jump off a theological cliff and say we’re intended for one specific person," says Christian author Dannah Gresh. But based on the Bible’s “sexual language,” she doesn't dismiss the possibility.

The Old Testament’s original Hebrew text uses the word "yada" to imply the act of sex, says Gresh.

However, yada doesn't necessarily mean having sex in a literal sense, says Gresh. It means "to know," "to be known" or "to be respected."

She says yada biblically links the concepts of sex and the soul. "Sex is about a soul connection in its truest form," says Gresh, giving credence to a possible connection between God and the soul mate concept.

Not quite, says Bible scholar O. Wesley Allen of Lexington Theological Seminary. "The intimate knowing implied in [yada] is created through the act of sex, not as something that leads to union," Allen says.

A biblical companion to yada is the Greek word "ginosko," says Gresh, which is found in the New Testament. The Bible's original text uses ginosko to describe an "intimate soul connection between a husband and wife in the act of marriage," she says.

But she says the Bible also uses ginosko to describe a deep, intimate connection with God.

Gresh is giving too much weight to these words, Allen says. The fact that these words are used in dual contexts does not imply - or even suggest - the possibility of divinely ordained matches, according to Allen.

Gresh stresses that she does not believe God has intended matches for us. "However, I think there can be a really good theological argument made for exclusivity - once you have found someone you choose to love," she says.
On this point, says Allen, Gresh is on strong scriptural grounds.

A soul mate and a spare

Judaism, meanwhile, specifically includes the concept of soul mates in the Talmud, a collection of writings that constitute Jewish civil and religious laws.

According to the Talmud, before a soul comes into the world it is paired with a bashert, or first match, which is the first soul that you’re supposed to end up with, says Rabbi DovBer Pinson, of the New York-based IYYUN Center for Jewish Spirituality.

“If everything works out you’ll end up with that person,” says Pinson. Jewish tradition also includes a “second match” for every soul, which also could end up as a soul-mate relationship.

The names of everyone’s first and second matches are written down, “We just don’t have access to that information, because they’re written down in the spiritual plane” – or heaven, Pinson says.

The Kabbalistic tradition, rooted in Jewish mysticism, spells out clues to recognize whether your partner is your soul mate. If a partner is helping you overcome your negative traits and negative challenges while helping you pursue your positive traits, that person is your soul mate, says Pinson.

“It means these two souls originate from the same soul root and they’re meant to be connected to each other,” he says.

The Islamic faith, meanwhile, rejects the soul mate concept. "The words 'soul mate,' that you are meant to be with this person forever, there is no concept like this in Islam,” says Imam Mohamed Magid, president of the Islamic Society of North America.

Infinite knowledge allows God to know which partners end up together, but it’s up to people to sustain their marriages and stay together, Magid says, because “the concept of a soul mate in Islam would put the fault of divorce on God."

Are you telling me to 'settle?'

Shaunti Feldhahn and her husband, Jeff, have created their own industry with their popular books, required reading for Christian premarital counselors at thousands of churches.

But she says their marriage, which has produced the million-sellers "For Women Only" and "For Men Only,” was not necessarily preordained.

"If I'd gone to a different graduate school I may have never ended up marrying my husband," she acknowledges. Feldhahn says there probably isn't “one perfect soul mate” for each person. For her, the bottom line is that "whoever you end up with ... God knows what the eventual outcome of your life is going to be."

The flip side of that is God has also given people free will.

“We have every right to screw it up if we want to - and sometimes we do,” Feldhahn says.

However, if couples follow God’s general principles about relationships, it’s possible they can enjoy the same benefits as so-called “soul mates,” she says.

Don’t focus too much on the search for your perfect mate, according to Feldhahn, focus on leading a Christian lifestyle and things will work out fine.

As for Christian Mingle’s “God’s-match-for-you” tagline, Feldhahn says it could mean “Meet the person who’s going to end up being your perfect match - because that's what you're going to make it."

Is Feldhahn telling single folks to stop searching and to “settle” for the best person available?

“No,” she says. “That implies that the person cannot be the person you need. If you both live by God's principles, you will both become the people you need to be.”

- CNN Belief Blog

Filed under: Christianity • Islam

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soundoff (2,002 Responses)
  1. bee vivateli

    Yes I found mine or she found me.

    January 7, 2012 at 9:36 am |
  2. 4commonsense4now

    True story here. Failed at several relationships going thru life. At first, wanted to settle down, then I didn't, then I didn't want anyone at all. Then had kids, failure relationship, then totally anti-social, socially disgraced, turned into a room troll, only going out to work.Bought a laptop, played poker online for a year or so. Chatted people around the world. Then one day, took a chance an bought a month membership to a date site. Was basically, only her and I at same age group with a pic.6 mths dating, moved in together,been miserably happy ever since :)

    January 7, 2012 at 9:35 am |
  3. gb1963

    Why doesn't god take me to the right lottery ticket, I have always wondered. Anyone knows a website for that?

    January 7, 2012 at 9:35 am |
    • Omgami

      You are looking in all the wrong places, GOD puts your lucky numbers in fortune cookies, everyone knows that.

      January 7, 2012 at 10:13 pm |
  4. DARIUS

    How many times these we see these " Used God dealers" try and succeed in ripping off innocent people. There should be a law against commercializing religion. Einstein was religious, he told Quantum physicists " God does not play dice" Neil Bohr told him " Don't tell God what to do with his dice" !

    January 7, 2012 at 9:33 am |
    • Stupid is as stupid says

      Neils

      January 7, 2012 at 10:03 am |
  5. JBHedgehog

    God told me that everybody who visits the CNN.com site needs to give me $50. It's TRUE! You can even look up the language in the bible.

    January 7, 2012 at 9:33 am |
  6. CSE

    Dear CNN,

    I appreciate the need for Op/Ed pieces, but please don't put them front and centre of the homepage as if they are legitimate news. This "article" reads much like an advertorial for Christian Mingle ... trying to dress it up with supporting evidence that the bible (or holy book of the comparative religion) confirms the concept of "soul mates" is disingenuous at best. Remember what CNN stands for – Cable NEWS Network, not Christian News Notions.

    January 7, 2012 at 9:32 am |
  7. nhjs

    Please, give us a break!

    January 7, 2012 at 9:31 am |
  8. Scott

    This guy had a good outlook on it a few years ago in Relevant Magazine:

    http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/2253-selling-our-soul-mate

    January 7, 2012 at 9:30 am |
  9. Reid

    If you told me that God didn't lead me to my wife, I would say that you were absolutely crazy. Once I put my choice in God's hands, I was very aware of His leadership. I don't think either one of us has any doubt whatsoever that we are God's choice for each other. And, we have been married almost 50 wonderful years.

    January 7, 2012 at 9:28 am |
    • bob

      sounds like she may have been under rage when you met....

      January 9, 2012 at 3:31 am |
  10. PaulC

    The abundance of religious channels on your service is simple. Money. I suspect they pay the cable co. to carry their channel for their eternal fundraising.

    January 7, 2012 at 9:27 am |
  11. Wayne

    "Garbage in, garbage out" is good to remember. Dig deep and explore your being, reason for being and relationship with the universe. Peace is when you know, and peace is success.

    January 7, 2012 at 9:26 am |
  12. curt

    I think even if God did exist, first and foremost MONEY is not controlled by God on this planet.

    Everything just kind of goes into a spinning daze after that.

    January 7, 2012 at 9:26 am |
  13. looneytunes

    "Join our site and God will find your soul mate. Unless of course, your credit card expires."

    January 7, 2012 at 9:25 am |
  14. Atheism is not healthy for children and other living things

    Prayer changes things
    Prayer is the balance that steadies
    And provides for continued life
    Prayer is listening to the heart of God
    And acting accordingly
    No prayer would mean no life
    Prayer changes things

    January 7, 2012 at 9:25 am |
    • PaulC

      If prayer changed things there would be a lot less blind, lame, sick, poor or abused people. I see very little evidence of God's interference in the world so feel free to point it out to me.

      January 7, 2012 at 9:29 am |
    • Dave

      Please- if God is on outside -then why....? On the other hand I am waiting for some Christian to follow; Numbers 31:17-18; "Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man."

      January 7, 2012 at 9:45 am |
  15. The Half Baked Lunatic

    'god' is an idiotic idea promted by immoral people to control and pacify the weak minded. This is a great example of the continueing BS that people do in the name of 'god'.

    January 7, 2012 at 9:23 am |
  16. Christfollower

    I began using ChristianCafe.com about 9 years ago. I was 38 years old, never married, no children. I had pretty much reconciled myself to the fact that if I did meet anyone, most likely they will have already been married with a previous family. I dated several men and as with anything else, there were good ones and bad ones. When I was 40 I met a fellow and he had not been married either. We dated 4 years and finally married at 44 years old. Was it a match made in Heaven? Possibly so, its nice not having to worry about an ex wife or children as I have friends with this situation and they are often at odds with thier spouse over previous families. Do we have out problems? Yes we do, take 2 grown adults with a whole life behind them and merge it into one, its very difficult. We agree divorce is not an option with the exception of adultery so we continue to work together. Hang in there all of you folks who havent married yet, I happen to believe you will meet that special someone out there. Seek God continually and stay active in your search. Its when you do not expect it that you will meet them. Blessings!

    January 7, 2012 at 9:23 am |
    • TRH

      Well, at least your comment here is lucid and coherent I'll give you that.

      I lost my wife of twenty-four years back in August. I have know idea if/when I will start dating again let alone get married or enter into a relationship. If it happens, fine. If it doesn't, that's fine too. Either way. I'm not looking for Jesus to solve my problem...if indeed it IS a problem.

      January 7, 2012 at 9:38 am |
    • Dave

      Nice story – did not note any judgment on others. Thank you.

      January 7, 2012 at 9:54 am |
  17. Herm

    Every single woman a man dates (long term) tells him "You're my soul-mate!"; they all say the same exact same thing; a couple of months later the relationship is over lol.

    January 7, 2012 at 9:22 am |
  18. El Flaco

    My sister-in-law once told me that she knew immediately that my wife's brother was her 'soul mate.'

    I said, "But didn't you feel exactly the same way about your first two husbands?"

    January 7, 2012 at 9:22 am |
    • Herm

      Exactly! LOL

      Welcome to today's ADHD "throw away society" where your partner is just as replaceable as double A Duracel batteries.

      January 7, 2012 at 9:26 am |
  19. 21k

    too much fun! just ask newt gingrich.

    January 7, 2012 at 9:21 am |
  20. TRH

    When I first saw these ads appearing on TV over a year ago I began to wonder. So, I checked out the web and sure enough much to my surprise and delight, there ARE atheist dating services. I find it interesting that those atheist dating sites are NOT advertised on TV. Why?

    And here's another pet peeve of mine. On my bare bones cable TV I get at least six different religious channels. I have no choice in this. Why?

    "Something connected to this subject matter that really irks me, is that single persons are being financially penalized more – such as with increased costs with insurance companies, for example. Discrimination violates the law. Any that are single and read this comment need to start speaking up."

    Exactly right. Again I ask....WHY?

    I'll tell you why. The "establishment" i.e. the government, authorities, the entertainment industry, etc. assume everyone is or should be traditionally married, and everyone believes in god and should not be offended by the above. I should not be offended when some TV evangelist spouts myth in lies over MY TV cable which I PAY FOR. Well, I AM OFFENDED.

    I believe they do this because there is a statistic which shows that 80% of Americans believe in Christianity. So they appeal to the majority. I get that. I also think it needs to change.

    The OWS protestors, a movement I support, decided enough is enough. Just like Rosa Parks did in the late 1950's. Just like the anti-war protestors of the late 1960's did to help end and unjust and immoral war.

    OWS? How about OCE? Occupy Christian Establishment?

    January 7, 2012 at 9:19 am |
    • jw

      I just puked in my mouth.

      January 7, 2012 at 9:39 am |
    • TRH

      jw:

      After you clean yourself up, tell me why?

      January 7, 2012 at 10:30 am |
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The CNN Belief Blog covers the faith angles of the day's biggest stories, from breaking news to politics to entertainment, fostering a global conversation about the role of religion and belief in readers' lives. It's edited by CNN's Daniel Burke with contributions from Eric Marrapodi and CNN's worldwide news gathering team.