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My Take: Searching for God, settling for sex
November 24th, 2012
08:00 PM ET

My Take: Searching for God, settling for sex

Editor's Note: Shannon Ethridge is an advocate for spiritual and sexual integrity. She is a counselor, speaker, author and certified life and relationship coach. Her 19 books include the million-selling Every Woman's Battle book series, "The Sexually Confident Wife" and her latest book, "The Fantasy Fallacy," a response to the "Fifty Shades of Grey" phenomenon, a discussion of the roots and role of sexual fantasies.

By Shannon Ethridge, Special to CNN

(CNN) - When a friend alerted me to the "Fifty Shades" trilogy in April, none of us had any idea it would sell in excess of 40 million copies within months, or that sales of whips, chains and other BDSM paraphernalia would skyrocket as a result, or that a European hotel would replace its Gideon’s Bibles with "Fifty Shades of Grey."

Many legitimate possibilities have been offered for the seeming success of “mommy porn.” Women are more sexually liberated than ever before. Couples are longing for ways to spice up their sex lives. Many women have a deep inner longing to be dominated by a man who’s absolutely obsessed with them.

While there might be some truth to each of these theories, I think the real force behind this "Fifty Shades" phenomenon is that our society is clamoring for closeness. However, in the absence of genuine sexual intimacy (best defined as “in-to-me-see”), we settle for sexual intensity: erotica, pornography, an office romance, an extramarital affair or whatever strokes the ego and provides the sexual high we crave.

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I suggest that sexual intensity (such as that experienced between the lead characters of the "Fifty Shades" trilogy) is simply not the same as intimacy. If it were, then prostitutes and porn stars would be the most emotionally and relationally fulfilled people on the planet. That doesn’t seem to be the case.

Does the entangling of arms and legs and the exchange of bodily fluids scratch the human itch for intimate connection? Or is sex just the closest thing we can imagine to what we’re really craving: a deeper spiritual and emotional connection, both with our Creator and with His creation?

When I explain through my writing, speaking and life coaching that I am an “advocate for healthy sexuality and spirituality,” some assume I’m insane. Why would someone even use the terms “sexuality” and “spirituality” in the same sentence? I do so because I believe they are basically the same thing, or at least two sides of the same coin.

Regardless of gender, age, race, political views, economic status, etc., all humans have two things in common: We are both spiritual and sexual beings. And behind every sexual longing, I believe there’s an even deeper spiritual longing.

So we have much to learn about God through understanding our sexuality, and there is much to learn about our sexuality through a deeper exploration of God.

Looking at sexuality through a spiritual lens, and vice versa, is not a new concept. In the Song of Solomon, a man's and woman’s desires for healthy sexual intimacy are celebrated. In the book of Hosea, God uses the analogy of a husband’s relentless pursuit of a sexually unfaithful bride to illustrate the depth of His own passion and commitment to His people. God obviously knew that “sexual metaphors” would teach us about ourselves and about Him.

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This brings me back around to the "Fifty Shades of Grey" phenomenon. I don’t believe that fantasy is evil, even sexual fantasy. But when we divorce physical pleasure from emotional connection, such as when we selfishly strive for orgasm through pornography, masturbation or illicit sexual encounters rather than cultivating sexual ecstasy with our marriage partner, sexual ecstasy is only “half-baked.” Love and relational intimacy are the “yeast” that allows our sexual ecstasy to rise to its highest level.

My counseling experience shows me that we often seek healing for our deepest wounds via sexual encounters. Our minds and hearts believe we will “get it right” or “find the love I need” via an intensely satisfying sexual relationship.

If deep and spiritual intimacy is what humans seek, then relational or sexual intensity can never satisfy our deepest longings or heal our oldest wounds. Christian and Anastasia (for all the "Fifty Shades" fans) won’t discover heart-deep intimacy in whips, chains, pain and sexual intensity. Their deep wounds will be healed by sacrificial love (of which Christ is the incarnate example) and intimate relationship (both human and divine). Soul-deep intimacy is what we seek, and it’s ultimately found in the God who created human sexuality.

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Shannon Ethridge.

- CNN Belief Blog

Filed under: Christianity • My Take • Sex

soundoff (1,815 Responses)
  1. Jesus is the most powerful man to ever walk this earth

    There has been much controversy on life after death, hell, the existence of God, the "right religion", the laws of God, the character of God, Christians, and much more. If you care to learn about the truth on all of this, I simply encourage you to visit this website http://www.theeternalwisdom.com. It is very informative and easy to understand. Hope it helps to clear up this dilemma.

    May 4, 2013 at 9:39 am | Report abuse | Reply
    • Science

      That red devil with the funky horns...........and his partner the fairy in the sky.........did NOT create US !

      The ORIGIN story is bullsh-it...............so is the bible............... nasty !

      From Soup to Cells—the Origin of Life

      http://evolution.berkeley.edu/evosite/evo101/IIE2aOriginoflife.shtml

      Scientists have unearthed the first direct signs of cheesemaking, at a site in Poland that dates back 7,500 years.

      Human Evolution

      http://evolution.berkeley.edu/evosite/evo101/IIE2cHumanevo.shtml

      AND

      Easy to do !

      For all creationists and ID believers...............IT only takes minutes to figure IT out. No fairy in the sky needed !

      New Device Can Extract Human DNA With Full Genetic Data in Minutes

      May 6, 2013 — Take a swab of saliva from your mouth and within minutes your DNA could be ready for analysis and genome sequencing with the help of a new device.

      http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/05/130506132100.htm

      May 13, 2013 at 8:04 am | Report abuse |
  2. Name*mike peltier

    Absolutely Brilliant! Finally,someone besides yours truely, has come to open the gift to which Lord God sincerely intended humans to have n to hold, in sickness or health,richer or poorer , n fits within knowledgable capacities understood n universal accepted to all of Gods creatures and as founded in the bylaws Alien jigsaw puzzel to guidence, to serve, without guilt, each ones indiviual needs,as moral compass, inclusive to Phi exstentions further governed by ones uniqe genitic code , and that once discovered, enables the key to turn on and to fully utilize that sharing of the other very unique gift we human creatures have been soley heir to " free will" .the mirror image to how forever should be veiwed, with a smile, no fear n approach to how to live without money as rewards x 10 , return, as we get lost in the love of service to others, n obovously how God intended us to connect to him ! people, turn off your televisions! cancell your suscriptions to print n web, n go talk to a tree! gotta go out batteries! peace... take some... pass it round!

    April 29, 2013 at 4:00 pm | Report abuse | Reply
  3. Thomas Sabo Charms is identified to the collection attraction

    Some really superb content on this web site , appreciate it for contribution. Thomas Sabo Charms is identified to the collection attraction http://www.hjc918.com/discuz/

    March 23, 2013 at 5:26 am | Report abuse | Reply
  4. Fantastic!

    According to People magazine, Lowe and Giudici are waiting to be intimate until after they say "I do."

    For Lowe, who is a Christian and a born-again virgin, it's a personal decision as much as it's a spiritual one.

    "From my perspective, I've lived life kind of selfishly for a long time," he said. "Now, I'm going to try to live it the way I know to be right."

    March 14, 2013 at 7:25 am | Report abuse | Reply
  5. Benjamin

    It is called natural order. We as humans have an internal instinct, well at least some of us do, to live and function naturally. The way our creator designed us to. But, there are those that choose to twist and change things into something that should not be. They are only after their own self interest, pleasing only themselves. Loving only what feels good and not loving what is good and right! I beg you, please people! Open your eyes and understand, that time is running out. Life only last for so long. Then you will meet your creator. So, wake up and find what is truth. God bless!!!!

    February 19, 2013 at 2:58 pm | Report abuse | Reply
    • End Religion

      Jesus never existed:
      http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/02/09/my-take-a-word-to-christians-be-nice/comment-page-51/#comment-2173770

      February 19, 2013 at 3:05 pm | Report abuse |
    • Science

      It would be NICE......... but
      Maybe they should not have created the wedge !!!
      The wedge strategy is a political and social action plan authored by the Discovery Insti-tute, the hub of the intelligent design movement. The strategy was put forth in a Discovery Insti-tute manifesto known as the Wedge Docu-ment,[1] which describes a broad social, political, and academic agenda whose ultimate goal is to defeat materialism, naturalism, evolution, and "reverse the stifling materialist world view and replace it with a science consonant with Christian and theistic
      convictions.
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wedge_strategy

      Peace

      Please watch what the Discovery Inst-itute is trying to prevent.......................... evolution

      Thanks

      March 23, 2013 at 6:23 am | Report abuse |
  6. Jerry

    "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every Word that proceeds from the mouth of God"...This quote is from both the Torah (Deut. 8:3) and Messiah/Jesus in Mathew 4:4. We are made in His image. We were not made to go it alone. Though many may try, one will never be fully satisfied living a life apart from God and the spiritual world. Sowing to the flesh only brings death. If we sow to the Spirit, we will reap life. God bless.

    February 13, 2013 at 9:02 pm | Report abuse | Reply
    • Keith

      What does that have to do with the article?

      February 24, 2013 at 9:22 am | Report abuse |
  7. sendthistodave

    I think I just heard "Don`t make me come down there". Yes, that`s what I heard.

    January 24, 2013 at 6:24 pm | Report abuse | Reply
  8. sendthistodave

    The sicko behavior of some does not diminish their value as humans but it places them on a bobsled to h e l l.

    January 24, 2013 at 6:23 pm | Report abuse | Reply
    • danielwalldammit

      Hell is the sicko concept, dreamed up by sick people in an effort to control others.

      February 4, 2013 at 5:35 am | Report abuse |
    • The breakfast club

      Both of your posts are an effort to control others.

      February 7, 2013 at 10:09 pm | Report abuse |
  9. sendthistodave

    don`t do it

    January 24, 2013 at 6:22 pm | Report abuse | Reply
  10. Douglas

    Gay marriage is strictly prohibited in the Holy Christian Bible.

    Christians are joined by Judaism and Islam in defending family life
    the way God intended...the nuclear family.

    In Matthew 19, Jesus defines marriage as the union of one man and one woman.

    They were made as complementary partners as God intended.

    Gay mariage blurs this natural union and takes us down a slippery slope of sin.

    Reach out to LGBTQ and let them know that salvation is possible if they set their minds
    like a flint and reject wholeheartedly fornication and the desire for same s@x coitus.

    January 18, 2013 at 11:32 pm | Report abuse | Reply
    • Keith

      My Bible is better, nicer God, happier people, loving and caring.

      January 29, 2013 at 6:35 pm | Report abuse |
    • hodsky23

      Or you could stop being a bigot by using some book to scare and shame people allowing you to control their private lives based on your backwards ideology. Maybe the LBGT community should reach out to you.

      January 29, 2013 at 10:29 pm | Report abuse |
    • Tom, Tom, the Piper's Son

      Doogie, isn't it getting a little stinky in that closet?

      January 29, 2013 at 10:31 pm | Report abuse |
    • danielwalldammit

      That book is no moral guideline.

      February 4, 2013 at 5:37 am | Report abuse |
    • Michael

      Your bible is fake, as well as your jesus and your sky papa.

      February 19, 2013 at 3:30 pm | Report abuse |
    • דוד בן בנו של ג'ון ודבורה

      היהודים לא מאמינים בישו למה היינו אכפת

      March 19, 2013 at 8:12 pm | Report abuse |
  11. Jorge

    Some people must be finding God DURING s-*-x, because I keep hearing them yell OHGODOHGODOHGOD...

    January 16, 2013 at 11:58 am | Report abuse | Reply
  12. joseph graves

    DOES IT MAKE SINCE TO JUST HAVE KID'S IN THIS SOCIETY SPITTING THEM OUT LIKE SUNFLOWER SEED'S AND THEN PEOPLE DON'T INSTAL MORAL'S OF LIVE THAT IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT NOW IT IS CORRUPT AND MISLEAD BY PEOPLE LIKE THIS LADY AND HER BABBLING FOOLISH WORD'S ON SOMETHING SHE SURELY IS LOST IN AND SHOULD GET ANOTHER CARRIER FOR THIS IS SURELY THE WORK'S OF KING NEBUCHADNEZZAR AND HIS TEACHING'S

    January 3, 2013 at 10:30 am | Report abuse | Reply
    • Keith

      Next time why don't you bother to read the article

      February 24, 2013 at 9:25 am | Report abuse |
  13. joseph graves

    This is a she wolf in sheep's clothing that knows nothing of GOD and his teaching's she pick's verse's out of the bible to miss lead our young people and make's comment's of false statement's I would not follow your GOD or your teaching you are misleading our children in your own false understanding of the book of live the holy bible,you need to get in another field of work because this is not for you and your stupid believes and un education of the spirit and GOD'S teaching's ,Nebuchadnezzar you will not prevail in the end count your day's for they are numbered for our battle between EVIL AND GOOD !

    January 3, 2013 at 10:20 am | Report abuse | Reply
    • Chris

      I find it funny that the man who calls the author "stupid", has numerous run-on sentences, syntax errors, no punctuation, and a thought process that is about as clear as mud...

      January 31, 2013 at 12:11 pm | Report abuse |
    • Keith

      It seems clear to all of us that you didn't read the article. You really can not learn a lot from the Headline

      February 24, 2013 at 9:27 am | Report abuse |
  14. firstlovehq

    The premise is wrong. Your premise is "SEEING IS BELIEVING" and so you must believe what is experiential visible. But God is Supernatural. And so because i can't tell you what Christ looked like or what he sounded like doesn't mean he doesn't exist. What did the very first man(Adam) look like? or what language did he speak? if i cant prove that does that mean he didn't exist?

    December 25, 2012 at 7:42 am | Report abuse | Reply
    • sam stone

      "...if i cant prove that does that mean he didn't exist?"

      nope.

      nor does it mean he did.

      December 26, 2012 at 10:25 am | Report abuse |
    • meifumado

      If you cant prove it ,then more then likely your wrong.
      Remember, The onus of proof is on the believer

      January 11, 2013 at 4:51 pm | Report abuse |
    • Gir

      "if i cant prove that does that mean he didn't exist?"

      Under a paradigm of empiricism, yes.

      January 13, 2013 at 7:36 pm | Report abuse |
  15. Oh the humanity

    Now that the locks are taken off the bedroom door we pretty much knew what we all suspected. Everybody boinks. It's as uninteresting to me now as a bowel movement.

    December 22, 2012 at 8:47 pm | Report abuse | Reply
    • sam stone

      hopefully, it is more pleasurable

      December 26, 2012 at 10:26 am | Report abuse |
    • meifumado

      This lady has no idea what she is talking about and is just another bible toting fool
      Whats a life coach? really
      she also states every Human is spiritual, Hey sweetie i have news for you You could not be more wrong
      I believe in nothing that is supernatural

      January 11, 2013 at 4:58 pm | Report abuse |
  16. prov31lady

    Right on the mark Shannon. Great article

    December 21, 2012 at 10:56 pm | Report abuse | Reply
  17. Aaron

    Yes, that would be fine, but god doesn't exist.

    December 20, 2012 at 7:24 pm | Report abuse | Reply
  18. Religious independant

    Oh man my head hurts reading belief blog. I've always had my own religion and I'm not to proud to admit I just kind of compiled it as I went along (altering here and there as I got new bits and pieces). Bits and pieces of this and that.
    "God" was the great undefinede variable I'd find at the end of it all.
    So far I've had atheists asking me to proove God from the Bible (which I only looked at a few times), Christians quoting verses I don't understand and then the wierdest thought of all...is any of it real?
    I always figured there was the spirituality "stuff" (ie: ghosts and such)..the part of your psyche you don't share with people.
    And then there was the real life stuff (the day to day).
    Boy have I been out of the loop.
    The thing is it seems wierd to me to choose a religion based on someone elses opinion.

    December 19, 2012 at 11:34 pm | Report abuse | Reply
    • sam stone

      "I've always had my own religion and I'm not to proud to admit I just kind of compiled it as I went along (altering here and there as I got new bits and pieces). Bits and pieces of this and that."

      Isn't making it real to you what belief is all about?

      December 20, 2012 at 8:30 am | Report abuse |
    • Faith in Reason

      Good post. You've just done what every religious person I've ever met has done – cobble together your own idea of god based on what you choose to believe. I've never met two Christians, for example, who shared exactly the same beliefs about god as each other, or those codified by the people who wrote the contents of the Bible as we now know it. This is really the only way to do it since no one knows any more than you about god. The mistake too many make is in not recognizing, or being willing to admit, the limitations of their knowledge about god.

      December 22, 2012 at 5:14 pm | Report abuse |
  19. SJ

    The point made in the article is true... but it's only scratching the surface of a subject way beyond our imagination!!

    December 19, 2012 at 4:28 pm | Report abuse | Reply
  20. Brian

    Dear Shannon

    I am convinced you have spoken shades of truth; my conclusion comes from years of experiences on both sides of the moral fence.

    Never mind the narrow minds dear!

    December 19, 2012 at 9:39 am | Report abuse | Reply
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The CNN Belief Blog covers the faith angles of the day's biggest stories, from breaking news to politics to entertainment, fostering a global conversation about the role of religion and belief in readers' lives. It's edited by CNN's Daniel Burke and Eric Marrapodi with daily contributions from CNN's worldwide newsgathering team and frequent posts from religion scholar and author Stephen Prothero.